FML

Gods got is all now. Lets see what happens...

what for then is your word

dear friends, just as i have said in my silence when i am with you. just as i have shown you my deepest thoughts by a glimpse into your eyes, i will say in words.

I am building a castle of loose bricks. my foundation is the Lord and it is perfect, but my plan is flawed.

for those of you who know me, i beg for your forgiveness. how dare i call myself your friend. i have knowingly gone against every one of you and spit in your face while i remain silent. i have scorned your name and wished ill upon you. i have not loved yo as a friend.

cast your stones.

Fr gm nt t n

Likewise it has been said, thou who seek wisdom by means on earth shall remain infantile. Therefor I say to thee, who else to seek wisdom from than the father? For he who humbles himself before the Lord is a wise man.

Have you ever been to a point where stress just keeps building? seemingly nothing will rid your mind of this constant rage, almost like you want to destroy the expectations that others have places on you.

The 'need' to rebel is set in the mind of most youth. As the embarking generation of the century, we feel that change is in order and we know what that change has to be.

Remember that not all things have changed. Moral values are best formed from experience and understanding. So, before you cuss out your parent, guardian or teacher for being stupid, ask them what is the highest of all their moral values, you may learn something neat.

BLAH

i just wasted a fragment of the Internets capacity.

sewing the new stich

Lit let what when thou throw.
through the hearts deepest tone,
and the minds hardest tow.
lit let what thou sow.

Through peril and fantasy
amidst the foggy trail.
when skies shine bright
and snow begins to fall,
lit let what thou sow.

categorize assumptions
using ABC's,
and when thou art sea worthy,
dock and cast anchor.

you say its hard,
and you say its relentless,
but you forgot...
lit let what thou sow.

when all doors seem to shut
and darkness starts to glow,
remember,
he is always beside you,
ready to take what thou sow.

Poetry in a Nutshell?

Define nothing.
is it really nothing,
or is nothing something
waiting to be discovered.

turn around and look ahead,
cant you see your path breaking?
slow,
scared,
encoumbered,
you keep walking from high to high.

some say to look outside the box,
others say you dont know whats in the box,
does the agression end without a spark?

keeping,
peeping,
meeping,
bleeping,
and sleeping,
it all rhymes,
its my poem.

a slowly ending rhyme,
falling away from you as you read,
falling away as you see,
falling away as you play,
and as you sleep.

never the less the mind will wander away.
let ends meet ends and the bygones will go home.
dream of the dear that will tear you away,
dream of the seer that will tear you apart,
both are nightmares,
you decide.

i have a dark blog.

just because its dark does not mean im dark.

i look over my posts and always read 0 comments
i wonder if anyone finds these to be a good read.

dgfa

everyone else says move,
i say no.
that person says move,
i ask where would you like me to go?


i dont know how to be myself, i stuck in a free fall looking up at the sky wondering when You and the ground will meet me in a violent crash.

two plus two equals 4 unless 5x is divided by 4
then two plus two equals 5

at times i twist and turn and you cant see what will happen, other times i seem to walk straight. but it all shows that im limping due to the weight.

i will pray that in time it heals so you dont have to walk away from a broken soul.

the unconforming line ~

i hang up the phone and take a shower thinking towards the night that is tonight.
our promises, hopes and dreams, the things for what we have sight.
i get in my car and drive to your house where you wait so patiently,
for the ride of your life to arrive just on time and take you away blatantly.
you get in the car and we drive away, wondering where this forever will take us.
we make memories and share fantasies from times when we were young,
we make melodies and harmonies, we just cant stop having fun.
that special night after 7 years, i stop the car spontaneously.
you ask me what is wrong and i just turn to you and smile,
i say im just stopping to admire true beauty.
you giggle and smile and lean in for a kiss, that which i return,
i give you a hug and tell you those words that ring like sunday morning bells.
a few years later we have a home and are expecting our first born.
we joke around and remember the names we once recited to each other,
this life so perfect, so wonderfully made, all we can do is enjoy it.


the one thing this does not entail, the key part of the story,
the blood and tears, and sweat over the years that we shed to just simply enjoy it.
it was worth the pain and worth the sorrow, just to be with you, and a million times i would do it again, if i knew that i could have you, forever.

With every moment i hear my thoughts, i think of her. like the air that fills my lungs she fills my mind and remains. my twisted perception thinking something is wrong, wanting it so much but pushing it away, the awkward moments are made.

"as i slowly fade into darkness, i am comfortable with never waking up."

they say that but the sun still rises and they will awake, on earth, or on judgments hill.

stand trial cowardly sinner, for you have done wrong and have hid from punishment. for this you will see that which you fear.

stand trial confident sinner, for you have done wrong and reassured yourself that it was alright. for this you will see your indiscretions ten fold.

stand trial wicked sinner, for you have knowingly wronged against me and derived pleasure from this. for this you shall be one with that you do and burn with the beast.

stand trial humble sinner, for you have sinned and confessed and asked for punishment one hundred fold. for this you shall see the light and my eternal glory.

sleep oh earth dwelling sinner, for you will continue to commit wrongs and the choice is yours. for i have given you the gift of eternity and you have the choice to refuse or accept it. sleep now, knowing your wrongs and repent of your sins. do not hide from the punishment you will surly receive but embrace it and glorify my name through the pain. for this you will see judgment and fall to your face and i shall pick you up on wings of an eagle and bring you into my kingdom.

when dreams coem and go, can we really go with the flow?

when all you are gets crushed, what do you have but God? your life long aspirations called a mere escape, a ploy "when will you stop dreaming and think realistically" is what they say. you might as well have lived alone all these years since your so called family forgot you a long time ago. its makes blood boil and tempers flare, yet i remain calm? what is a good heart good for if it cant do anything? answer: display. am i just a freak to be watched and played with? if so play as much as you can because i am flying away. take these broken wings and learn to fly, fly blackbird fly.

dreams come and go, but do we know why?

i had a dream... i lost a very good friend of mine... she was forsaken by her family and she was injured... i started from her house asking of her whereabouts. they did not know, but all there was to find her was a trail of her blood. every minute was horror. i followed the thin worn out drops of blood for hours, through the apartment. it led outdoors, through a beaten path, to a rushing lake... there were goons there... i jumped over them but landed in the water... there was a voice... it told me that i should give up. as i was heading towards a steel gate in the waterway it told me to be as straight as possible because the gate would kill me otherwise... i listened and slipped though... i went back up to the goons to follow the trail of blood. i kicked one of them in the face and continued to run behind a building and around them... i regained the blood trail.. it lead through the bush and across a cement pillar over the waterway... it lead to an abandoned house, and into that houses crawl space... i followed the blood through a very cramped passage and to a small vent... it was to small to fit in and was shut off.. i knew because the voice told me... i continued though the passage until i came back out in the main area... the blood had now crossed paths and it was hard to tell what trail led to what.... i looked down and cried... then woke up with a fever in a boiling sweat... i wanted to go back.. i wanted to find her... help her... save her... but i couldn't... it was imposable... the thought made me tear up... so i lay in my bed alone and cold..

"i give my men hope, and keep none for myself."

as i enter this place, this thing, where i do not wish to call home, all i can think is that it is broken. a great palace once majestic and free, now consumed by darkness to leave me in a 24" by 40" abode. by the worlds standards i am rich. i have known this since young and will until death, "the richest people are the saddest." i unlock the two chamber doors and take off my shoes - its dark, and lonely. i turn on the light to feel like there is something that i still love in this place, there is little.

i think in my head over and over, im so happy that it was me that must suffer this pain so that the other could live normally. i miss my home, i miss my bed, i miss my long waits to get into the washroom because my sister hogged that area, i miss my sister, i miss my mother without booze, i miss my best friend josh, i miss my bike that i rode to the park, i miss the green grass and the tall trees, i miss my father that i never knew, i miss not playing catch with him and going fishing with him, i miss the home cooked meals, i miss the sweet taste of love in every bite, i miss the comfort of knowing i am loved, i miss the comfort of knowing i have something or someone to protect, i miss myself and the times before this mess, but im glad, that the pain now i can give to god.

as i sit and type, tears fall to the keyboard, my palm still tender from the trials and my head longing for its pillow. i feel free yet confined for i understand only that i will wake up tomorrow and waist another day, not of my will, but that of what the world wills. i miss the happy birthdays and the merry christmas's. i miss my grandmother and grandfather, i miss not knowing so much, i miss not being able to do so much, i miss being futile and useless.

but i dont hold onto them. no, i only imagine them in my dreams so i can be free once in a while. free from my sin, free from my mistake, free from myself.

i sit in the courtroom and point out the one who assaulted me, i lay on the grass bloody, saying that i was a good boy, i lay in the tub with an inch of water thinking "what did i do wrong?". i sit back, take another hit of pot, and chuckle. i think it is stupid that this kid writes on a blog. he should get a life and stop being a fag. i take another line of devil powder, i fall back into my chair laughing. i cut the phrase "love hurts" into my arm knowing it is the only place it will not be seen with this hoodie. i sit on my bed and wonder why they are getting drunk, i wonder why they are abusive. i lay in the hospital bed of a psych ward, wondering if i am mentally sane. i sit in my chair crying, writing on my blog. i go to sleep, whats next lord?

"It's hard to wake up
When the shades have been pulled shut
This house is haunted
It's so pathetic
It makes no sense at all.
I'm ripe with things to say
The words rot and fall away.
If a stupid poem could fix this home
I'd read it every day."

Blink 182 - Stay Together For The Kids

sometimes i wish there was a poem to fix a broken house... something so small such as closed curtains inhibits sleep, an inactive household can yield poor work ethic or bad sleep patterns. at a young age, setting yourself apart from bad or unsuitable living conditions can be very difficult. somehow we either manage to make it through barely, make it through with enhanced learning abilities and knowledge or not make it through at all and continue the cycle or die off.

is there a way to unite and work together? or are we going to continue to fall into the same old rut alone.

the cure for the rose

"not even she knew that tonight would be the night she slept in blood stained sheets."

Ten-Pac Toe

Let the wicked forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts. Let him turn to the LORD, and he will have mercy on him, and to our God, for he will freely pardon. Isaiah 55:7

rememberance

i remember the days when i could play as a child.
creating lies to impress the few friends i had.
such a short time since i was water,
now i seem to have become a limitless amount of ice.

"For where have my days gone, lest I forget their joys and sorrows." Said a shadow,
"For here is what my days have become, and for this, i am glad." said another,
"Why have my days yielded such bad crop? Have i not followed the right teaching?".


"For that is what was and what will never be again. For this is what is and shall only be shortly. For that is what is to be and will never be known before it is." These are my words for i lack a disability that inhibits me from telling you.


I AM CORRUPT,
I AM PERFECT,
I AM LIES,
I AM TRUTH,
For I am what God had made me, and I am what sin has corrupted.

"Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart." 2 Timothy 2:22

webop

anyone who reads this blog would probably think of me as a negative person... like an emo or someone who is depressed 24/7. im not really, i just type what i think at the time. sometimes i get inspiration from things in my day, others i just want to pointlessly post. fear not, i plan to redirect my blog to be more poem filled than random chatter...

some call it seeking attention. some call it a cry for help.

"- piece my heart make me bleed, i don't want to deal with your greed
you rip me apart and devour my happiness like its your treat
you lie, you feed, you destroy what i need
unseen by the world i lay in a puddle of my own blood
i pray that my last moments do not have to be spent alone, so cold
a puddle so deep, when will my dreams kiss me to sleep
fire your black arrow of hate, i don't mind
you cant hurt me more than this, all i seek now is eternal bliss
stab my back and watch me fall into your web of lies
i have only ever seen you, the one i could never despise
you gave me one last breath to feel the pain
your eyes laughing at me
your body suffocating me
your lies cutting me

fade away butterfly into the night sky. the one you seek is not far but near, it is, and was, always you my dear..."

everyone longs to get to the top of their ladder, but not everyone realizes that if you focus on the step your on, you will move up.

i make a vow, i get distracted.

as i turn out the lights, i seal myself in a warm dark room. i naturally avoid the piles of clothing and junk that lay around that i have become accustom to. sitting, waiting for something magical to happen, thinking it wont come. people asking for prayers, people making up excuses for attention, people wanting me to go serve them... its all so dark... like the changing seasons, my happiness comes and goes only to be lost until it shows itself. you say two minutes, i say two seconds, the difference remains the same. your world, such a mystery, so unique and relevant. my world, such a drag, like a broken record. they scream when worlds collide yet i welcome the destruction because i know the unique will arise from the ash. you will arise from the ash. my life, a game. my user, a cheater. they got tired at the start and messed with the programing. they got bored two years in and started to fool around. they got restless 5 years in and used cheats. now, i remain a character who is beyond where he should be. i have the ultimate weapon in the tutorial stage. and just like always, i want to delete my profile and start over so i can work up to the best without cheats. merge with me my dear and together we will party until we die. through the darkest dungeon and the fiercest foe, let my blade be your arrow as your arrow will always be my way.

due to request or in this case suggestion

if i could change one thing in my life, past, present or future, it would have to be absolutely nothing. i am already intellectually skilled (though not stable at times lol), have an exceptional understanding of common occurrences in life, attending an slightly less than amazing school with one exceptionally awesome friend,... and i am almost always looking forward to the unique future i have.

a reign

every time i get asked if i have cut myself i feel the need to cut myself... its almost like people expect it of me from how much they ask. well have i ever cut myself? not really, i just carved words into my arm with old knives and even a pen from school. same as others, i am not good in front of people. when someone messages me online over chat sites if they are being flirty or complimenting me then i blush, in person when i am the center of attention or when im part of the center of attention i feel the need to run. when around others i tend to shut up though i want to talk and have fun. the simplest things make me sad such as when im talking to someone and someone else interrupts and the person i was talking to goes off like i was never there and even though i wait, once they finish they walk away. lately i have started interrupting people and i dislike myself for it.

i have learned a lot of things in life and i have grown stronger than a "normal" teen would mentally... its almost like im dull to things like death... when people have to repeat the simplest things like it is advance and i dont understand it or its the first time i heard it, it makes me think that they are slow to understand that i know and practice those life lessons already. sometimes it makes me feel like im above them because they talk about it like they just learned it... i feel i should teach them...

after social events i like to leave unbeknown to others. i did that last night... i walked for 20 minutes in the rain, got splashed by a truck and sat outside the terminal for 25 minutes yet still had enough energy to walk a old elementary friend to her house since it was late and she was "afraid".

blogs are vents... mbia

sweet angel

you sit there laughing, looking at me like im something new. your eyes bloodshot and your words slurred. you take another hit from your joint and ask me yet again if i want some and i give you the same old "no". i look into your once beautiful crystal blue eyes only to see a foggy shattered dream held together by nothing more than the amount of poison you can inhale. you ask me if i love you but all that comes from me is a tear, my once sweet angel, poisoned by the world. you ask if im alright and i smile and say "im fine" you become serious and look into my eyes as if you were looking for a lost pet. i wipe the tear from my eye and say "im sorry that i was not enough for you" you reply confused asking me what that means, the poison slowly wearing off. i look at you and smile and you start to laugh, my once sweet angel, poisoned by the world, your once crystal blue eyes now a dreadful reminder that you are killing yourself, the way you laugh and pretend its nothing when i am losing more and more of you every day. soon you will die, but death, only a sweet bitter reminder that you were once mine, my once sweet angel poisoned by the world.

between 10:46 PM and 11:44 PM last post

J. Props to Canada for giving over 100,000 canadians heart attacks and still winning gold! Props to the Unitted States for not crying... to hard XD
3 hours ago

C.J. likes this.

Dan
.......we decided that canada, as a part of north america, should win every now and then. its all one america. NORTH-FUCKIN-AMERICA!
48 minutes ago ·

Dan
hooray for the continent
47 minutes ago ·

J.
south america too? XDDD you forgot about them!
45 minutes ago ·

Dan
fuck the lower hemisphere!!!
44 minutes ago ·


Dan
they got cut by the panama canal
43 minutes ago ·


J.
BUT DUDE!!! WHAT ABOUT AMERICA!!!! WE ARE IN AMERICA!!!! A WHOLE CONTINENT!!!
42 minutes ago ·

Dan
its split... north and south. we need at least 4 teams... cuz a 50/50 would be no fun... thus the quarter-spheres
33 minutes ago ·

J.
but when it comes down to it the canadians are trained to use all the weapons that you make... but our army is two grenades and a hockey stick... the states would just have a bunch of rednecks with mini-guns and pistols as well as steroid bumping jocks fighting, canada would have a three year old girl picking daisies in newfoundland, Russia would ... See Morelaunch a heck load of nukes, china would come in with world-war 1 planes and start shooting bullets everywhere without aiming, all of Pakistan would be in planes and do one massive suicide run taking out a few hundred trees and a shrubbery or two and killing every Pakistani person hence the "suicide run", japan would take out light sabers, katana's and some manga then make it one epic duel to the death like in anime, south america would have a bunch of *ermmm* "ethnic" people in low riders with tech-9's and glocks, madagascar would make a giant rafts from trees, grass and what-not and send all their animals and such over leaving them defenseless and vulnerable then get wiped out by a single mosquito, indonesia would belly-dance themselves to death, iceland and greenland would try to swim over to the other parts where there is combat and drown a few minutes after jumping in, europe would turn into french nazis and go kill a chicken, ireland would drink themselves to death, africa would send all of its lions and tigers to attack germany killing everyone there then a nuke from russia would fail and blow up africa, papua new Guinea would send guinea-pigs to attack but get eaten alive by them, australia would get in kangaroos and start boxing against each other until one person was left then a cow being carried by a helicopter overhead would crap and the falling crap would break that persons neck and kill them thus making the pilot go "BOOM HEADSHOT!!!" and crash, newzealand would jump into a giant mud-hole and die, and hour after it starts alaska's dial-up would finaly work and they would get the message to attack canada sending everyone into the yukon and they would be eaten by polar bears, the arctics are empty so they dont matter, hawaii would go surfing and get eaten by sharks, and jamaica would smoke dewbies until they were so high that they all ran into closets thinking they were portals to narnia and kill themselves...
10 minutes ago .

J.
just saying...
10 minutes ago .

Dan
that is so not true!!! ...the belly dancers would be saved by the drunken rednecks. the japanese would take the little girls that canada sent out to pick flowers. the lions that the africans sent out are just as hungry as they are, so they'd start fighting amongst them selves killing eachother. the rusians in the nuke factory would use there own... See More mechanical 'skills' to fix a dud and blow the whole country off the map. germans would all sacrifice themselves to try and resurrect hitler, thus dieing. china will fulfill there 1000 year plan, turning the great wall of china into its true form. THE MIGHTY DRAGON!! --blah blah blah-- ....so in the end, its dragon vs gundam elite vs chuck norris... after an epic battle of biblical proportions, chuck finally comes out on top with minor scratches on his knuckles.... and because he's got irish in him (obviously) america gets claim over the fallen ireland. and we then drink our selves to death. so now, finally, chuck norris sits at the gates of oblivion and shits on the devils doormat, becoming the new ruler of the underworld.
3 minutes ago ·

J.
and jamaica smokes a dewbie :D
a few seconds ago ·

Dan
who were then eaten by the dragon
4 seconds ago .

J.
sounds reasonable!
2 seconds ago ·

just thought i would fill you in on the time gap there...

Random much?

Out with the old, In with the new!

Sunday, 12:26 PM
Somewhere in the world

i was jogging home from church when my friends pulled up beside me and opened their van door and told me to jump in... against all odds i jumped into a moving full-sized van on the run, literally... as i went to close the door my cell phones bead charm that i made got caught and broke spilling beads everywhere... i was mildly depressed after and felt like the world was going to end because my cute handmade charm broke...

Still Sunday, 7:26 PM
Somewhere in the universe but not necessarily restricted to earth...

I got home after watching the the finals in Olympics... i wanted to make a new charm... i got out the beads and this time i used fishing line instead of sewing thread for more durability... my design was to have a type shape with a red X in the middle... it was planned perfectly, i would put all the beads in order on a doubled up fishing line while trying not to poke myself with the needle i was using then i would backtrack and weave through all the beads to make my design go from a straight line of beads to a flag type charm... and thus began the grand quest to make yet another cute charm...

it was going perfectly until it came to weaving back through all the beads... i had tied the last bead too close and it was making everything tighter than it should be and pulling everything into a mess... i kept going while trying to compress the charm with my other hand so that it would work... it was again going well until i got to the end and had to let go... it scrunched together into what seemed like a mess and after three hours of untangling and weaving it seemed as if all hope was lost... then i looked closer at my charm that i lost hope in... it was forming a three dimensional charm that resembled somewhat of a ---\\\\--- shape... i had made what seems like a D.N.A strand.... i then became joyful and it made the struggle worth while... i tied it onto my phone in such a way that it is never meant to come off...


Sunday, 10:46 PM
you dont want to know,

i was done... i had a new cute charm that was more durable than the last and looked way cooler... one that i had struggled to make for three hours just so it would be something totally different than what i wanted or even planned, yet it turned out to be the best thing that could have happened...

Sunday, 11:44 PM
where you are right now,

I have pressed enter and sent this message out to the world, with hopes that it will reach you and encourage you to never give up even when things are going completely wrong. when plans fail and people turn away, when the things you planned start to fall apart, when the pain becomes to much to handle and you just feel like giving up, that even though it may look like it wont work out, God is up there saying "forget about your plan, my plan is so much better and it is way cooler! trust me and keep working for through me all things are possible.". keep up the good work even when it gets tough because there is a beautiful charm waiting up there for you when you finish up down here...

just another one of those days

Yup... mmmhhhmmm.... yup.... want to do something? yup.... mmmhhmmm.... like what? i dunno... yup.... mmmhhhmm....

ever find yourself with ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO!?!? that overwhelming feeling of utter boredom... days were you spen hours trying to find somethingto do but in the end you fall asleep on the couch or bed with your clothes on because all that built up energy to do something worked against you? well there is a cure!!! introducing something that has yet to be found! this something can be found under a penny, dime or even a nickle!!! YES A NICKLE!!! it is often refered to as "something" or "anything" because there is no nothing and nothing is still something!

"keep on waiting, no matter how much it hurts. because Chuck Norris said so!"

At resolve from heart to mind to fingers to iPod to you.

What is it that we truly want in life? To date that special girl or guy, to be famous and earn tons of money? Maybe we just want a quiet calm life without many troubles. Recently I turned on my mind and ran a defrag for the first time and I found that I was to bogged up by life that I did not know what I want. I still don't know what I want lol! But it made me think that we can get so caught up in life and tomorrows problems yet we tend to overlook today and the issues that go with it. Sometimes it is nice to relax and think. Try it sometime‼

"Hey! watch me catch a snowflake on my tounge! OUCH! why the heck did hail fall in my eye?" D:

First off i would like to say i am sorry for not being on lately to check the oh so "abundant" amount of comments! things have been busy lately but i will make up for it by typing into the night when i should be sleeping for physiotherapy/school in the morning so here goes.

Tim: Hey Bob, how are you?
Bob: Pretty good, how about yourself Tim?
Tim: Great! thanks for asking.
Bob: Its what i do best Tim! so how can I help you?
Tim: Well you see Bob, as you already know today is sunday...
Bob: hmmm, i thought it was tuesday!
Tim: AHAHAHA! Good one! So you know how my Brother is getting married right?
Bob: Yes, why?
Tim: Well today we are going to be having lunch together as a family before my soon-to-be-sister-in-law goes back to Romania and we really want you to come since it will be our "last big meal together". One problem though...
Bob: Really? Is she allergic to seafood?
Tim: Nice, but it is going to be right after church, and Joe wants us at his place for Bible study with the rest of the guys. you know the thing that is planned every month?
Bob: Wow... I would really love to go but i dont want to ditch Joe at the same time... I need some time to think...
Tim: Alright no problem. Oh, one thing.
Bob: Yes?
Tim: We are about to leave, you have about 10 seconds.
Bob: Okay one moment!
Bob: Hey Joe! would it be alright if i skipped out on this meeting and we could have coffee later this week and review what i missed? Oh and when can i come to the church to clean up?
Joe: I really think you should come with us to bible study.
Tim: *nods at Bob as to ask if he was coming*
Bob: Alright....... (thinks to himself: WHY DO THINGS HAVE TO BE THIS HARD!!!)
Bob: *goes with Tim*
Joe: *calls Bob* Hey man... Im really disappointed with your decision today. We will have to talk about it later.
Bob: *pause* Alright..... (thinks to himself: If i went with Joe i would have missed this chance to spend time with my family and Tim would be angry with me, and i could not go with both not to mention that if i did not go with either of them they would both be angry and i would miss out and be sad... no matter what i picked it was a loosing battle. everyone wants me and if they cant have me then no body gets me... what should i do... what should i have done...

Sometimes people around us make a little version of Hell that we have to live through knowing that no matter what we do we will always lose and someone will be unhappy. sometimes it makes me want to tell everyone to back off for a moment, sometimes i do but everyone so far has answered to that with another attack of "NOW!"
little do they know that you are being torn apart limb by limb by your "friends". personally i like to make other happy, and i dont really care about my own happiness. it makes me happy when others are happy and not fighting or trying to have things "their way". when everyone can take a step back and look at someone else instead of themselfs and what they want. Sometimes... i wish everyone would take a chill pill...

Have you ever been in a place where you are forced to pick between friends or the people/things you love? have you ever been rushed to your own defeat by others?
what what were their responses to your choice?

People say all the time not to worry about things because it just slows you down or makes you a "worry-wart". even i have said things like that. but i Believe that there is a healthy amount of worry for everyone that varies person to person. ~End Transmit~

Part Two.
Many fall in battle,
All fall in mind.

if i had my own cast of people and a ton of cameras/money i would make at least 5 movies that i can picture in my head right now. thats right, i have full length movies in my head written, directed and memorized by me BUT i am 16. i have ideas that would chance the whole earth. ideas that would make interstellar communication possible and thrust us into the "space age". the communication idea would probably cost enough money to make Asia and North America go into debt (probably a huge exaggeration but it would be a lot) ideas that would turn the simple computer you are using or simple electronic device into something 500x faster. imagine pressing the power button on your computer one morning and it instantly loading everything and also asking you what you want in your tea/coffee BUT again, i am 16. i have no documented proof that i have an education above a elementary grad yet my intellect is above what my age is thought to know. i have been held down by the world because of a mistake and i passed the world. now it wants me to slow down and start over while it zooms by and causes me one heck of a hard time. well i say this... If there is any people who are high up in the education system beyond that of college, if you are willing to take a chance at the unlikely probability that a adolescent can revolutionize the WHOLE earth and the life of everyone on it, than lets talk sometime. a professional conversation between two individuals that are looking to better the lives of many.

"Many fall in battle, All fall in mind." to me it means that there are things in this world that we never would imagine, something like killing or rape can not be understood until it happens around or to you. these things can kill many, can break many and scar many and the difference of how those people have to mature and live is devastating. I am young, I have just scraped the surface of that universe and this is what i have become.

Days where you have nothing to do.

the title says it all. sometimes you have one of those days where there is really just nothing to do. today i woke up at 6pm and did nothing. i was up last night into the morning around 4am with my friend and then i checked my blog expecting there would be no comments (and i was right) then i fell asleep. now i have to wake up tomorrow ready for a long day of sitting in a class writing things so that i can come home and do the same thing again tomorrow. if you ever find yourself without things to do, try going for a really long walk or feed some ducks. it is oddly fun...

A poem

every time i try to look at you i see a wall,
every time i try to lean on you i am reminded by that wall.
as i sit looking out over the lake i sit alone,
as i watch the sun set over the lake i watch its beauty alone.
when i brush the hair away from your eyes,
when i lay in the grass and stare at the sky's,
im alone and without you.
this pain i feel keeps me awake at night and makes me weak,
i start to slow and i fall asleep,
hearing the people on the bus speak.
they laugh and they gossip about the boy who sits there sleeping alone on the public transit, but i am dreaming of you so it does not matter. i wake up just before my stop an i signal the bus to stop. i get off trying to remember your face, your eyes your beauty, anything about you but i cant. i walk mindlessly through the street looking like i have yet to eat, i search for you everywhere. by the days end i sit down on my bed and i think about you, your kindness and your love so true only to be reminded that i am without you. i look into your eye's and you look into mine. i stoke your cheek and tell you i love you. then i rest on your shoulder only to be reminded by the cold wall that i am without you...

Being blind

As i lay on my bed propped up by a pillow staring unto a formation of mass known as a computer i can only think of how things just get in the way and how most of the time the biggest thing in the way is ourselves. yesterday i learned the hard way a lesson that should have been taught by someone punching me in the face and telling me im wrong, but i thank god that these 3 people were patient enough with me to have a two and a half hour debate on god's nature and what he can and can not do. i will let you know right now that i was flat out wrong the whole time and i only realized that in the last five minutes of that conversation. i was fighting for something that i assumed rather than something that i knew but it turned out well. in the end i walked away with a life long lesson learned in 1: how stupid i can be at times but how it is unrefined intellect. 2: dont fight for something that you assume without some sort of proof. 3: sometimes it takes us till the very last second to see our wrongs but that does not make us bad. it is like a one year old who wants to play with the pretty blue powder under the kitchen sink. although they may scream for days and even weeks about it, you know that if they do get their little hands on it then they will die. so for the people out there that get bombarded by question after question from people who are seeking some sort of understanding, please be patient with them. sometimes they will not get it till the last second or when they are older, but in the end it is worth the fight to see someone become more mature and wise.

nothing to gain but everything to lose

My mother asked me if i wanted pizza about half an hour ago, i told her i would rather save the money. thinking that she might actually consider saving money for once, i performed a grand escapade from my room to the kitchen in a desperate attempt to make a "savings jar". i crafted said jar from a empty peanut butter container and one of my cheap locks that cost around $1. i also got a small blue storage container and put it on the counter before proceeding to pillage my room/apartment for any form of currency. i gathered a a fair sized loot and began to deposit all of the pennies into the storage container and everything else into the "savings jar". about half way through my attempt at being an accountant my mother made a call to the beer man. she had ordered around $20 worth of beer and a tad extra for delivery/tip. disappointed and feeling the sting of defeats blade, i went captured by gloom back to my lonely living quarters. after sitting and pondering about how i could get a job and save more than a few coins my mom went to the door to get the beer and returned calling for me. after about ten seconds of what seemed like me doing nothing i opened my door and replied "yes?". she came forth and said that the man was wearing Axe "Kilo" body spray and that she agreed when he told her it was the best type. only once before have i felt such disgust for myself as i stood there, feeling like an empty shell in a full world. if you were to look into my eyes at this point you would probably see someone who had nothing left to live for. i shall end this in saying that im not normally like that. i tend to cover up my unique pain with an even more unique sense of humor, laughter or pure stupidity.

Odd's and End's

Today, i felt like looking for another job. I currently work for a man at my church in snow removal. funny funny guy... but with the lack of snow, i am also at a lack of work, lack of money, lack of things to do. so my mom was trying to help me out by telling me how i should take my resume out to all the wondrous Janitorial companies and how i would be payed minimum wadge to clean a building. she says it is a lonely job but i can take my ipod with me and listen to music. it sounds like an outstanding idea, only i dont really have much time on my hands as it is. while i was getting this talk from my mother one of my friends sent me a message on facebook that had my last name as a greeting/try to get his attention to start a conversation type thing. the seemingly trivial 3 minutes i spent with my mom ended in me missing a chance to talk to my friend. we have not been able to talk much due to the buzz of life so any moment i get to talk with her is a moment well spent. this made me start to think of how we can get so involved with the mass of things that the seemingly unlikely occurrence of a desired thing could be overlooked or forgotten about in such a small fragment of what we call time...

If I want to live then I have to be born.

I guess i could say that the title of this post means absolutely nothing but then i would be lying. What i may have been trying to get at was that EVERYONE starts somewhere, even Chuck Norris. Some of you may know that "speaking his name is punishable by death by roundhouse kick to the face", others may know him as a really cool guy that was in a few movies and owns a ranch. But no matter how you know him I think that some of you may have noticed that he is also what some youth today call a "Ginger".For those of you who dont know what that means, a "Ginger" is a human, characterized by pale skin, freckles and bright red hair. "Gingers" are generally considered to be inferior to their more melanin-rich brethren, and thus deservingly discriminated against. Well if anyone wants to call Chuck Norris a Ginger while he is around then be my guest. But doesn't this get you thinking?

Just as people in the past we too are born into this world with no control over when, where, who or why. we didn't have control over what our body will look like as it matures, things like height, hair color and eye color were already picked out in a sense. some may call this the collaboration of mom's cells and dad's cells, some may call it Gods will and some really dont care one way or another because we are here and that part of the road is long gone. To me, I lack the understanding and the knowledge to hold a decent conversation for more than an hour on the strict basis of just "skimming the top" of that topic. to put it in a more simple term, i dont know much about it but i know enough that i understand the basics.


When Chuck was in grade school I can imagine that he got teased by quite a few of his peers. I can also imagine that he did not think he would be a hero as well as one of the coolest people around. What if he had given into this theoretical pressure some call "depression"? Well there is a chance that none of us would know who he is today. Bummer right? Well its also a bummer that there are people doing that every day. From kids to adults, some people feel like life has nothing left or that it would be easier to end the pain then to go through it. Who knows, maybe if George Kindle had not killed himself there would be another "Chuck Norris" in this world. Now some of you may be thinking "Who is this George Kindle?" some guy may be reading this and be thinking "I didn't kill myself? Whats going on?". George Kindle is a name I pulled from my head so there is no need to worry.

I could go on through the night typing my thoughts out on this screen, but there is a chance that I may be working in about 4 hours, There is also School and a youth group waiting just around the turn of days. If you are one of those people, a George Kindle, then stick around. Not only because Chuck Norris is alive, but to prove to the jerks in life that you are stronger than them. Because you can look death in the face and walk away from it unharmed. Because you are the only you in this world and the world needs you.