When a picture doesn't speak a thousand words and actions fall short of miracles

Slow and steady does the trick,
Trying to make each one a little more thick.
Dont tell me you know, dont tell me you care
I know what I've done and honestly its not despair.
Broken words once said, you may hurt me but only I can create scars.
I look up every night searching for a star,
Yet its hard to stand when its all been cut loose.
So here I lay, beyond your repair
Torn by the world and mocked by the stars.

A quiet hymn echoes from the past,
This peace and bliss is not eternal but not forgotten.

It seems like the lingering spirit of creation is looming inside of me with a design for the future. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith, even if it means falling on your face. Stand, walk, run, and finish the day. I know how hard it can be to be knocked down, but the mistake made is letting it keep you down.  

Culture Shift

I find it interesting how the world turns
With each passing day, another new horizon is ignored, and the expired beauty of yesterday diminishes. The contrast of a bright screen in a dark room is enough to keep our minds at ease. its gotten to a point where we can't relate to one another unless behind this screen. Like a net to keep away the bugs, it shields us from the ever looming eye of the present. Things have not changed though. I find my mind sitting back in its seat waiting for the next big moment, and despite the plethora of new sights and sounds, my mind doesn't really seem to care. Its as though it has its eye set on one fixed goal that I don't understand yet.

But I have an idea.

Cigarette

Here I stand. Or should I say sit? Typing away on a screen with one thing hanging from my mouth. Or should I say mind? I have divided my life and wardrobe into two colours, black and pink. Over the course of the years I found myself longing for that embrace, sweet hospitality of false security, purity of motivation. Even after this seemingly distant time span I still see that face, a face I find nearly impossible to forget through time or distance. As the ashes fall one by one, they transform from a burning inferno of comfort and pain to a chilled form of what was once a heart that now lay scattered across multiple provinces. Music and faux reality settle with the now dull embers that burn the hand that came them heat. Questions are no longer few and far between. They haunt my dreams, similar to a nightmare that haunts the weak minded in unforgiving times. I stare at fate and it stares right back. No amount of training or mental wellness could have prepared me for this fight. I stand here as though I am David facing Goliath. If only I hadn't forgotten the hammock for my sling. No tools exist to erase this nightmare I face; That face... Maybe I went wrong, maybe I'm too weak, maybe I was never meant to win this battle. If David ran away, how would the story turn out? Would there be salvation for a coward? It seems that is always the case. People lose faith the moment they see you turn your back. It is not about this battle, its about this war. I am not standing against Goliath, I am standing against his entire nation. I don't see any one else up here but myself, yet I become the coward? How many times have I reached out now? I cannot take away from the system, only attempt to get on board with its flow. Once I am there I will jump higher, high enough to make the stars seem small. I will likely fall, just as I have many times so far. It only becomes more difficult. Until I get knocked down again, its just one cigarette at a time. One friend who doesn't help after another. False promises. I hold up my part, as small as it may be, the potential exists. It just needs some water and light to grow. So far, I'm just drowning. How long till I see the light?

Coincidence is an understatement

I need to shave.
Not because my youthful beard grows more prickly by the day; I just need to shave.

I want to remove the growth I gain with each tormenting day and shave off the dead skin that the growth seemingly hides.

As if a paid promise to fly in the sky is enough to keep me chained
I remember a day of youth
My mother gave me five dollars
Just enough to buy that game I always wanted
With the money came a promise
"When we get to the store, you can buy that game."

Upon arrival I was struck with shock when I realized I lost that piece of trading paper. I searched and searched but it never turned up. The entire way home I searched and finally once I walked into my house, there it was... In my back pocket. No matter how much I begged over the course of the year, we never returned to buy that game. I wasn't allowed because I missed my opportunity.

I don't care about where we go or what we do. All I know is every moment feels, eh... Slightly off. Its like a your favorite ride at the amusement park gets closed for repairs the day you get there. You can ride every other ride, some fun and some scary, but they are not quite the same ride. You start to miss the feeling you would get as the ride would speed up at that special point to make it just right, and slow down before it became too much to bare. Why else would it be your favorite ride?

Life is an ever changing ride. One you slowly carve out of stone with each day, not knowing where your next corner or dip will be.

I still find comfort in my car. As it grows older and more in need of costly repairs I still drive knowing I'm safe. There is nothing this car can do that would surprise me because I know it too well, and it knows me. It times its breakdowns almost perfectly and works perfectly when such need be. There is a different feel to it though. Like a group of people invaded my car and want a ride every moment. Its not quite the same ride anymore, the weight ratio is slightly off. Although its a very minor change, its a change I feel in every corner and every straight. I don't like it.

Something so minor has thrown off my harmonic balance in life. It presses with expectations and guilt, sometimes forceful pain. It tests who I am without knowing I am still locked up. It lives with ignorance of everything but itself and feeds off strength. Its the world. Or what some call the world. Constantly spinning so fast it might throw you off its surface, but so slow that you still stay perfectly grounded.

I dream of stars. Someday owning them. Its a selfish hatred my heart has held since I was young. That everyone was wrong about me. That not one person has yet to place their finger on me as if to say, 'I have you figured out.'

I tore my face off and made it into a mask. I would rather my face be bare to others. Be seemingly real yet completely fake. Except for two people I know.. Two very important people who will never leave my heart. I'm still here. I just dont know where here is because I'm lost in the stars...

Genome pool

DIf you take a rose and paint it purple, you will still have the same rose.
If you break that rose, find a new one and paint it purple.
It always be a different rose.

Change

A verb and noun.
It means to make something different, the process of alteration.

So many people focus so much thought into the matter. Few and far between do you find the unique individual who would rather simply ask and observe.

I find many days where I am bothered by the question of 'why'.

"You have changed."
"You use to be different."

I find these days it's almost impossible to be myself with anyone I know, set aside a few individuals during select times. When I sit in my car alone, I'm more comforted than I am with a loved one in my arms. Beneath the uncertainty of a rolling steel chassis, I find not shelter, but a voice.

With two ears I listen to each word I silently speak. I sit on the cement to see with two eyes the view of a stray cat. I feed you, groom you, and expect nothing in return from you. Silly cat, can you not see me with your own two eyes? Can you not hear each of my words with your own two ears?

The words softly echo off a nearby fence and ricochet into my ears,  my voice softens not out of shame, fear or anxiety, but from empathy. I stroke your back to remove the dirt you have laced upon yourself. You walk away into the night without second thought.

I think back on the times I chose not to speak because I learned that I do not always have the right words.

I think back on the times I chose to speak with confidence, but was easily ignored.
I think back on the things I told others with faith that they would try to gather more understanding or be accepting rather than quixotic.

If people stopped focusing so much on change, maybe they would see what hasn't changed. The essence of who I am is adamant. Stronger than diamond or alloy, relentless in its behaviors. Yet the strength of essence is not the essence itself.

An honest smile and heartfelt words are extended by rarity now. An elderly couple about to exit a store, a man with a small dog on a bridge, a boy who is looking for activity amidst a broken life. These people have seen because they looked, they didn't understand yet, were accepting.

Why don't you stop talking with a single mouth.
try to see with two eyes,
Hear with both ears.
There is a vast world that will  strike you blind and deaf instantly.
You deserve it.

While you have chose to live your life, I have lived mine.

So far, I can honestly say I have yet to change for anyone or any reason.

Can you say the same?

The stray cat comes back nightly, knowing I will be there, speak softly, groom gently and be accepting. The same as I have always been, haven't you noticed?
I have slowly worked through my experiences, each sleepless night is another haunting nightmare, time which I spent alone without telling you thoughts or ideas that pulse through my veins.

Change?

No.

This is growth.

Silent, patient, unyielding

Ella, have you changed or have you grown? Tell me. For the love of god, tell me you grow stronger instead of finding comfort in the fresh pages of a new and different book.

My pages are a collaboration of effort and willpower.
My language is still the same.
Can't you see this?

How much self sacrifice does it take before you run dry? Is it worth the risk?
Tell me what do you sacrifice daily? What do you know of drought?

J.

How many times will my friends see me look down before they realize I'm still looking up? How many unspoken words will they hear? I wonder how your perspective would change if you saw a subtle shade of blue rise and fall with each moment. How this shade is perceptive and analytical, yet understanding and steady in motion. The kindness it holds can never be drown out or covered because it leaks through every crack and ever seam, every window and door that grant access.

Yet the devotion it shows is never enough to keep you interested.

No, you are like the cat. Only come to be fed, groomed and to hear comforting words at the end of each cycle. But even the cat knows more. it has come back to be fed, groomed and inevitably listen to carefully chosen and softly spoken words.

If I had a cool catch phrase that people used to identify me, the most commonly used phrase would be "the welcome mat that smiles back!".

J. Never Had A Name For You

Ella again:

I hate how people change. Goodness knows we all need to change or else how dull would life be? But there are some people I could still be the best of friends with, still see every single day of my life but they have changed so very much that I actually miss them, like they'd gone somewhere far, far away. 

It takes so much for me to realize that how they were, how they are now and how they will eventually be are all THEM. It all counts towards who they are. And you know what....

... that bites....

...it really really does. 

Accept. Exist. Move forward. Change. Accept... the cycle goes on. 

A 02:00 Call and tears that aren't swept away by your hand but by your strangely soothing voice has uncorked the bottled up thoughts, and though this message is brief, it is so heavy for me right now. 

J. and J.'s friend: my gosh, I miss you both!!

It Happened Again - From Ella

Some turn to drugs or alcohol or sex for "that" feeling. Me?

I turn to boys.

Not for sex. Not for perks. Not even to just be able to say "I have a boyfriend." No. I need to have someone there for me, someone telling me they love me, that I'm beautiful. Someone who will show me off and be proud of me. I just need that.

And here is the problem:

I base my identity off that. And one month to the date, the hour even, I ended another relationship.

Just.
Like.
That.

Amount of time single before relationship: 1 month
Amount of time in relationship: 1 month
Length of time since last relationship: 2 months.

There are so many pieces of me that I am just dust blowing around.

~Ella~

Shreds

I am surrounded by scraps of blank paper

None of them whole

None belonging to a binding

Scattered like leaves on the floor

I hold a pencil in my hand

It is a nub in my numb fingers

I shake to write 

This paper is so precious

It is all I have left to communicate

A million thoughts fly around in my head

They all stop when I try to express them

Precious paper

Precious pencil

I begin writing

Dear

My Dear

To my Dear

To my Dearest

Friend

My Friend

To my Friend

Nothing is right.

I am trying to reply to a thank you note

I don't know what gift I gave

Or If I even gave one.

Leaded lids lower over my eyes

Distance and silence mock me

I am awake because I am curious

I care.

Thank you for what?

It's like my mind knows where to look, I always see a message in white on black, just after it is painted after not speaking to the artist for too long a time. 

i check my pulse,
there is not a 2 stroke beat
my heart throbs violently like a sluggish diesel engine.

soothing, comforting, relieving....
so  many days i have been without sleep
somehow this drug is keeping me a float

both my car and my bedside are lined with sweets,
a tangled mess like im trying to comfort myself with such release

somehow i feel alright
like this  is much less pain
than is it delight

I check my pulse,
a gentle rhythm forms again
im reminded of how i am human...


finally i can sleep again...thank you...

Charged Like A Battery.

First thing's first: J!!! MESSAGE ME AS SOON AS YOU GET THIS! I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T LEAVING YET OR MAYBE I AM JUST CONFUSED!!!

OK, now that that is done I need to get at my venting because I have a lot to just pour out. This is the best way I know how.

Breathe.

In.

Out.

Sometimes I forget I am wearing makeup until I cry. My tears today were of sweet release and realization that everything is in God's hands and I am His. The past week, though we're only halfway through has been less like a roller coaster with all of its twists and turns and more like the Sky Screamer... It will blast you up and blast you down. I feel manic.

When I'm out - in class, with friends or just being social - I'm a ball of energy feeding off the bodies around me to the point when it is no longer a buzz within my chest but a bounce in my feet or a twitch of my arm. It has to come out, it has to! I'm charging, charging chargingcharging chargingchargingcharging!!!!

I'm alone.

When I'm in - at home, in my bedroom away from the outside - I have that same energy. Only the ball of fuzzy feelings that rose up in my chest when i was out is pressing outwards like a bottle of pop which hasn't been opened but has still had the hell shaken out of it. It has nowhere to go though, no way of exploding so that energy implodes and it implodes on me. It then becomes a mass that drops from my chest into my stomach, pulling my thoughts down with it.

Tears well up. Tears I haven't cried since that night when everything ended.

So now the ball has been reduced to tears and I need to recharge again. Except for this time it is different. A calm has settled over me like the way pop bubbles disappear after a while, slowly tickling your nose as you drink it freshly poured...

It's different because I am reminded of something. I am reminded of the girl I used to be 6 years ago when nothing mattered. When I was so on fire for God and I didn't give two shakes about who looked at me crossways for it. And here I am again, reminded I am still his and I always have been. The fire is being stoked again. It never really went out, it wasn't even reduced to a hot ember, I know it stayed a flame but now I want to be an inferno!

That ball of energy isn't the same. Yes it needs to be charged by people but that is only going to get it so far. In order for it to be a full, green blinking battery it needs to reach out to the Source.

Tomorrow will be a night of worship and fellowship. I expect a full battery and then some.. an overflowing cup of fizzing pop! Yes, tomorrow will be good. So very good.

That was much too literal but I needed a vent. Miss you, J.

~Ella.

Dip and dive, swerve and slam the breaks. another silly driver, another close call. thinking about the move is odd. i dont want to imagine it, the drive, the first few days, staying in a motel till i arrive. thinking of driving through dakota again, where i almost died the first time. maybe another driver will strike me off the road.. maybe this time i will die.. bringing a harmonious end to a life so short yet long experienced. i cat say i want to die, yet i wouldnt be opposed if thats how i went. the fear of a vehicle breaking down, being stranded in the middle of nowhere. Saskatchewan does that to you~ lol whats the worst that could happen? a tragic accident that leaves me broken? death? possibly the worst case could be that i live and make it there lol PLANS: Law enforcement. just do it Matt.

Ella J's Story

If you have ever met this girl, you would know she is a totally free spirit. She has so many bright ideas, always wants to have fun and has a good heart. She loves God with all of that good heart, but she of course is not perfect. Unfortunately, as bright and as free and as fun as this girl is, she struggles with her identity. She knows for a fact she has a solid identity in Christ, and this, her fifth breakup, is teaching her she needs to realign with that identity. But she, like myself, has a story to tell. Don't worry, her's is no where near as dramatic, heart wrenching, tear jerking and "oh, I just want to give you a hug!" as mine. But she is human and so she has a story.

Here it is: When she was only 14, she met the first young man she ever dated. They met at camp. His went by the name "Buck." Buck and Ella met on a Tuesday, hung out on the Wednesday and agreed to go to the Friday banquet together on the Thursday. They then continued to talk on MSN, webcam was just the coolest thing since they could still see each other's face. She felt for the first time what love was, as he daily told her how much he admired her. They met in July. In September, he broke up with her at that same camp when they were together in real life for only the second time. Not to worry, they got back together after chatting online in January of the following year. They met for the third time in real life for her first date (a triple date since Ella was not allowed to be dating on her own, not until she was 16). That third meeting was in early February. Shortly after that, Ella ended it with him, the feeling was no longer there for her.

Amount of time dating: 3 months (total, roughly)
Amount of time single, following breakup: 6 months (Feb-Aug)
Status: Friends

Now 15, Ella met her second boyfriend. He, like Buck, was two years older than her and also lived far away. He was her first kiss, in the moonlight, after a county fair. That kiss was perfection. They had been friends before their relationship started, and they had a relationship that was solidly built on this friendship. But, it would not last. His frequent partying (unbeknownst to Ella) and general lack of the romance she was searching for (he never once told her he loved her) cause her to end things after 6 months of dating, again, in February.
Amount of time dating: 6 months
Amount of time single, following breakup: 1 month (Feb-Mar)
Status: Friends

Now Ella couldn't get enough. She crushed pretty hard on a couple of guys in that short amount of time but later found herself in the arms of another boy. He too was 2 years older than Ella, closer really to 2.5 years. Although this relationship started very well, it turned into something very ugly. He got to the point of what could be called mentally abusive. He had her so trapped she became a hollow shell of her former self. I met her in the midst of this relationship. She hid it well enough but entrusted me with all the details. One night, she meant to send me a song that she wished someone, someday, would sing to her. It went to him instead. Unable to lie about its intended recipient, he boyfriend at the time flew into a rage that she should tell this to anyone else, especially a guy. He questioned her about me and forbade her from ever talking to me, so she was silent for a time. They broke up twice. The first time for only 20 days, was right before their one year anniversary. Determined that she wasn't going to go back to him, she decided that she was on rebound and, feeling the total absence of anyone to love her, found a way to satisfy a bit of physical cravings and ended up making out with her good friend at school, and within the same week kissed her best guy friend, which made it awkward for her to talk to him. Her boyfriend during this time found a way to get her back and they dated again until, one morning, she literally woke up and decided enough was enough. Breaking up with him was hell for her. She lost too much weight and walked the boarders of depression and anorexia, dangerously close to falling into either one of them. She started speaking to me again and she told me I did wonders to help her work through all her demons. She tells me she will never forget me for it, and so far, she hasn't. 

Amount of time dating: 1 year, 9 months (minus a 20 day break)
Amount of time single, following breakup: 4 months (Dec-April)
Status: On speaking terms, far from friends

I should insert here how much of a rebound this poor, broken hearted, broken spirited girl went on. After her breakup, she kissed or made out with 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 guys over the full course of those 4 months. She is NOT proud of that in the least. She just needed some affirmation of her beauty, her ability to "catch" a guy and confidence.

She did move on however at met a new guy. He was only one year older than she and they met at a school event. He was from another town. They met and started dating within one week. He was phenomenal and they had a wonderful time. They saw eye to eye on so many things. Except for two: 1) he wasn't a Christian 2) he wanted something casual, she wanted something serious. So, they ended it mutually. Nothing wrong there. In fact, she tells me she still misses him.

Amount of time dating: 3 months.
Amount of time single, following breakup: 3 months (July-Sept)
Status: Friends

After this particular breakup, she managed to go on a rebound again. this time she kissed or made out with 2 guys. Then she met the most recent ex. She met him and fell hard for him. They were perfect together and many people saw them getting married. In fact they saw themselves getting married and bought each other promise rings. It ended. She's still much too raw to talk about it. Amount of time dating: 1 year, 4 months Amount of time single, following breakup: 1 week, 3 days. Status: She's keeping her distance. In this short amount of time, she managed one more rebound. Thankfully, said rebound is respectful enough to see it for what is was and back off a bit. He likes her for sure.

Total Time Dating: 4 years, 1 month (If my math is correct)
Total Time Single: 1 year, 2 months, 1 week, 3 days and counting. (my math is probably really wrong but that's ok, the dates are rough)
Total Time Passed since started dating: 6 years (In July, so right now about 5 years, 2 months)

For the past 6 years, Ella has been molding herself to a man's whims, desires, ideals, approval... and doesn't know herself anymore.

She is broken. We all end up broken at some point or another.

a little contrast.

I remember most of the things that happened. the smiles she wore, the tears she cried, the times she abandoned me. my mother did her best despite the odds. i am happy with how i turned out, and so is she. recently i remember a time i swore at her in the car on the ride home, i then opened the door as it was moving and got out. she got out, yelled at me, closed the door and drove off. left me alone in the ghetto of our city, far from home. i was only 10, but i knew where i was, i visited my aunt who was close by, called my mother and she refused to get me. i was told to find my way home if i still wanted to live there. age 10... for about years of my life at that point, i was heavily medicated for ADHD and anger issues. they were only natural.. i was young and liked to play, was full of energy (ADHD) and my "home" was broken. step father always yelling and fighting, always angry at us, kicking down my bedroom door when i locked it to be alone and cry. (my anger management issues). my 11th was the most traumatic year of my life, im still amazed i came out of this year with sanity. my mother threatened to leave home, packed everything up despite my tears, asking her to stay and not to leave me. also, there was that experience... i had to deal with the courts and police for 2 years after that. by age 12 i was told to be independent. i made my own food, i found my way to school each day alone, and my way back. once home i stayed in my room, or went out into the local parks to explore alone. i was a fairly normal young boy... i made stick swords, eventually started wood working and made my first wooden sword using a wood shaver and some scrap wood from the house renovations. most of my creations didnt last more than a few months before i had forgotten them outside and they were broken and thrown into the bon fire by my parents. by age 13 i had started smoking, and lightly doing drugs. by age 14 i carried a knife with me at all times, had pot growing in my room, my sister went missing for over a year, and the police were at my house at least 3 times a week because my parents would drink and fight with me. i ended up calling the police, and by age 15 i had my own job working for a man from the church. i installed phones and security systems and was also welding. i made up every projector cage that our local college and university now use, from flat bar to cutting, bending, welding and painting. i made the choice to quit drugs, drinking and smoking as well as utilize my right to refuse prescription medication. i was looking at being kicked out and had to drop out of school. i had also locked my mother out of the house and told her to go to her mothers down the street because she smashed all the dishs against the wall when i politely asked her to be a little more quite so i could sleep for work. by age 16, i studied from my home, found anything online that interested me and i learned about it. my sister returned home after being raped and impregnated, i contemplated killing the guy responsible but found it was not worth ruining my life over. i had a gun at this point which i later got rid of. i was looking into more work at this point as well. despite trying to get my education, i couldnt cope with the slack education system and the "adult education centers" that were full of drug dealers and drunk wastes of life. the teachers didnt care, so why should i? at age 17, i had been through 2 jobs, gotten my 2nd degree drivers license, and was driving my mothers car which i frequently borrowed. i also started doing serious work with electronics and became a devoted techy and philosopher. for my 18th birthday, i left my home, left my city, left my province to work professionally in manitoba at a furnace manufacturing plant. at age 18 things were going well, i had a stable job, my own car and home i was renting with a friend. after only two months i had accelerated through my career and received two promotions, starting in wash bay, after two months i became a welder, and after two weeks, i was promoted to a CNC operator machinist and also design editor in SolidWorks and OmniCAD so i could alter designs to the parts i cut out if needed. i had a girlfriend back in ontario, i drove 4000 kilometers to see her every few months. her parents hated me though.. i was later threatened by my friend who had real anger management issues for something i didnt do. i was then framed by him at my job, accused of being a drug addict who was found passed out in a farmers field with my car and doughnuts around me, all of which was a lie and impossible let alone impractical as i loved my car and had been straight edge for 3 years. i was forced into leaving with later death threats by my friend who i only assumed to be jealous of my promotions. had $250 in my pocket, no debt and a full tank of gas... so i went back to ontario. i rented a room from my friend in his new house, took up a job at a local grocery store after two months of welfare and job searching. i drove my car illegally because i couldnt pay for insurance let alone much gas, as the job i had was part time and didnt pay nearly enough to live on. i was facing starvation and homelessness. it was not uncommon for me to go 5 days to a week without eating more than a package of instant noodles, or a piece of bread. every bit of food was a treasure to me. from moving back to ontario and losing my job, i used my two credit cards for buying food and gas. i soon found myself with debt. by age 19 i had taken up my old job installing phones and security systems. got my car back on the road legally and things leveled out due to my new budgeting plans. everything i earned first went into rent, then bills, then food. things leveled out now. i still have my job, family is important to me even though i never see my family, im also looking at moving back out west for another job. i have already called up my old job and offered a formal apology for what happened despite my lack of choices, they wouldnt give me my old washbay job back either. things are not really looking up per-say... but they are better. i eat a little more, work out a little bit and still have my car running well. money is tight but the true values in life i find are hidden in love... something i still have yet to attain. i am single and looking, thought not many young women my age take a second look at me. i am told im very attractive and asked if im a model or an actor at times, i think though my values for love are too high and scare women away. marriage is my main goal, i wont date anyone unless i can at least see myself in a situation where i would consider marriage with them. i dont want to sleep around either. casual sex is meaningless. beggars cant be choosers though, right? i have a practical bachelors pad dream house that i want to build once i come across another stable job. a place i can call my home for a short few years and start dating. when it comes to marriage, i think the wife will tell me that the house will have to go though... (lol) im well versed in local political matters as well as economic matters. i find those to be important for a growing man to know, especially one who is looking to raise a family someday. i still fix every kind of electronic device i can get my hands on, and am competent in doing so. i can weld, i can drive forklift, i can operate a CNC plasma and break as well as other machinist tools. i find psychology, sociology and philosophy interesting. im active, can fix and maintain cars, i am a decent cook and can make a variety of foods to suit the occasion. i also clean! i tend to be a hygienic person. i like to make light of every situation and so my best at everything i can. anger is not my forte, im very quick to brush something off and move on if need be. i can be a very playful person which often shadows my very serious nature. where i will go from here, i dont know. but there is only one way i aim to go, and that is up.

Just like the past, i slowly remember that humans need to eat... it has been 4 days and the thought or feeling never passed by...

empty hallways

2 am, rockets fly as they kiss them goodbye. Blood slowly rushing through tender veins, a simple wish turned to spiteful rage, "another cigaret down, another pack to go" body rejecting the abuse, complete withdrawal of the pain sinks in. just like using fire to smoke out an enemy, these weapons of torture are making the evil subside. only in this state of self abuse memories of who i am flood into the burnt remains of my mind "Everyone's pointing their fingers Always condemning me And nobody knows what I believe." even the people you let into your heart the closest doubt you now... light another, smoke another, forget the puke stained floor, forget the cold embrace that surrounds you, smoke it out, fight fire with fire repay evil with evil

my "dearest friend"

Fuck, you think i want to walk away from you? you force me into this corner and leave me with few options. so here is what i will do, for these next few days, im going to get stoned as fuck, drunk as fuck, cut up as fuck, and have sex as fuck with whoever because i dont give a fuck right now. i want to, i honestly want to care and do my best. but you have successfully shot down every one of my most earnest efforts. i know im not perfect, and i know we had troubles in the past, but when will you stop saying i judge you and that i dont listen, and stop judging me, and start listening.

The deeper I go, the more I find

Heart racing from the drugs, my mind still stuck on that dark question. "Where did I break? How did it get this far?" Standing tall and firm daily without trouble or doubt, yet carving messages out in my arms with my fathers hunting knife. "I dont need this, its not who I really am" Tasting the bittersweet buds of life, enjoying the fragrance of blood as it seeps from my wounds. "Its the last time, I swear its the last time." Holding the knife to my throat, pressing it harder into my arms. "Desperation... Confusion... Uncertainty perhaps? How can I rid myself of this feeling I did not foresee?" One more hit, one more mark, that's all it will take.

- Do you think like all the rest?

"Only five left..." I think to myself at I start to boil water for instant noodles. Thoughts of the few friends I still have circle my head. "They are all probably enjoying the day with their family, eating home cooked meals and smiling. I wonder what my family is doing... Probably each getting drunk and eating nice meals as well." I get lost in thought standing in front of my warm stove as the water comes to a boil. I reach into the small cupboard in the corner where I keep all of my food and pull out a package of noodles. As I lower the heat and put the noodles into the pot, somehow something possessed me that today was special. I grab another package and cook it as well. "Tomorrow and the day after..." I whisper this to myself as a reminder that those are the days I will not be able to eat. Separating my money for the month, counting out $20 for food and the rest for bills... oh right, the bills... how could I have forgot? I change my money distribution, $5 for food this month, the rest is for bills... I lay back on my bed thinking about how I nearly passed out at work the day before, how my supervisor got angry at me for walking slowly. As I lay my head on my air mattress one thing populates my mind, "I cant stop fighting until it kills me... its killing me..." I pass out...

Isn't it wonderful?

Sickness seems to have caught up with me... All my years of health were preparation for this? I cant remember the last meal I ate.. Has it been days? weeks? I can't tell... Did I lose common sense in my struggle to fix things? Or maybe this is part of the cost to atone. It is said that whatever force you apply to the Earth, it will generate and apply an equal force against that. So who will win in a struggle that neither parties will back down from? Me, or the Earth...