Cigarette

Here I stand. Or should I say sit? Typing away on a screen with one thing hanging from my mouth. Or should I say mind? I have divided my life and wardrobe into two colours, black and pink. Over the course of the years I found myself longing for that embrace, sweet hospitality of false security, purity of motivation. Even after this seemingly distant time span I still see that face, a face I find nearly impossible to forget through time or distance. As the ashes fall one by one, they transform from a burning inferno of comfort and pain to a chilled form of what was once a heart that now lay scattered across multiple provinces. Music and faux reality settle with the now dull embers that burn the hand that came them heat. Questions are no longer few and far between. They haunt my dreams, similar to a nightmare that haunts the weak minded in unforgiving times. I stare at fate and it stares right back. No amount of training or mental wellness could have prepared me for this fight. I stand here as though I am David facing Goliath. If only I hadn't forgotten the hammock for my sling. No tools exist to erase this nightmare I face; That face... Maybe I went wrong, maybe I'm too weak, maybe I was never meant to win this battle. If David ran away, how would the story turn out? Would there be salvation for a coward? It seems that is always the case. People lose faith the moment they see you turn your back. It is not about this battle, its about this war. I am not standing against Goliath, I am standing against his entire nation. I don't see any one else up here but myself, yet I become the coward? How many times have I reached out now? I cannot take away from the system, only attempt to get on board with its flow. Once I am there I will jump higher, high enough to make the stars seem small. I will likely fall, just as I have many times so far. It only becomes more difficult. Until I get knocked down again, its just one cigarette at a time. One friend who doesn't help after another. False promises. I hold up my part, as small as it may be, the potential exists. It just needs some water and light to grow. So far, I'm just drowning. How long till I see the light?