Charged Like A Battery.

First thing's first: J!!! MESSAGE ME AS SOON AS YOU GET THIS! I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T LEAVING YET OR MAYBE I AM JUST CONFUSED!!!

OK, now that that is done I need to get at my venting because I have a lot to just pour out. This is the best way I know how.

Breathe.

In.

Out.

Sometimes I forget I am wearing makeup until I cry. My tears today were of sweet release and realization that everything is in God's hands and I am His. The past week, though we're only halfway through has been less like a roller coaster with all of its twists and turns and more like the Sky Screamer... It will blast you up and blast you down. I feel manic.

When I'm out - in class, with friends or just being social - I'm a ball of energy feeding off the bodies around me to the point when it is no longer a buzz within my chest but a bounce in my feet or a twitch of my arm. It has to come out, it has to! I'm charging, charging chargingcharging chargingchargingcharging!!!!

I'm alone.

When I'm in - at home, in my bedroom away from the outside - I have that same energy. Only the ball of fuzzy feelings that rose up in my chest when i was out is pressing outwards like a bottle of pop which hasn't been opened but has still had the hell shaken out of it. It has nowhere to go though, no way of exploding so that energy implodes and it implodes on me. It then becomes a mass that drops from my chest into my stomach, pulling my thoughts down with it.

Tears well up. Tears I haven't cried since that night when everything ended.

So now the ball has been reduced to tears and I need to recharge again. Except for this time it is different. A calm has settled over me like the way pop bubbles disappear after a while, slowly tickling your nose as you drink it freshly poured...

It's different because I am reminded of something. I am reminded of the girl I used to be 6 years ago when nothing mattered. When I was so on fire for God and I didn't give two shakes about who looked at me crossways for it. And here I am again, reminded I am still his and I always have been. The fire is being stoked again. It never really went out, it wasn't even reduced to a hot ember, I know it stayed a flame but now I want to be an inferno!

That ball of energy isn't the same. Yes it needs to be charged by people but that is only going to get it so far. In order for it to be a full, green blinking battery it needs to reach out to the Source.

Tomorrow will be a night of worship and fellowship. I expect a full battery and then some.. an overflowing cup of fizzing pop! Yes, tomorrow will be good. So very good.

That was much too literal but I needed a vent. Miss you, J.

~Ella.