Death verses Realism

J log update~ i find myself growing more and more shallow each day. recently i was even tempted by a friend who said i could buy her drinks. just to have sex? would i really go that far just to satisfy the selfish desire of intimacy that my heart desperately longs for? despite the hate and spite that slowly consumes my heart, i was able to think with my old and considerate mind, warning her of how evil i was, how she should not be near me because my intentions were skewed. i find it odd that my heart wanted to warn her more than it wanted to fulfill its desires. i guess some parts of me still remain. my shallow pursuit shows no signs of halter. it makes me question what my real intentions are. possibly i am still as damaged to not know my own will. if you ask me, i think its all very ironic.