as the cog clicks

here i am...
i find myself returning.
returning to a place of darkness
a place of hate,
lies,
pain,
truth...
here i am on there simple whim because it was brought up in conversation. 'It CANT be that bad now can it? Come on... just a quick peek... maybe a post?'
my mind muttering to itself...
that's all i do...
mutter to myself...
for nearly four months now i have been away from home, friends, family, the things i love and the things i know.
every day is another day i believe the zombie apocalypse to be true..
i wake up, i see no one, i work, i talk to no one, its break, its lunch... i sit alone and don't speak a word...
some the days end i return home like i do every day and lay on my bed that is on my floor; is it really my bed though? the guy i rent from is so much of a control freak that i wouldn't doubt that he believes he can control me... i don't really care anymore though...
i rarely eat anymore.. i am down to a small cup or two of instant noodles a day with a few cans of juice or pop...
a zombie...
walking,
seeing,
doing,
without a person behind these eyes its hard to believe i exist anymore...

maybe i don't really exist...

today was one of the worse days... i had no expression on my face but a blank wide stare like everything was meaningless and death was already apparent... my boss, foreman, co-workers all tried talking to me a bit... words stopped coming out.. words turned into gestures, gestures turned into shrugs... they eventually just walked away without saying a thing... i couldn't have cared less...

i stopped seeing this all as pain though. to me, its just... well, i don't know... i just don't care about it really. people get angry with me for not caring... i don't really care though... why care about the negative stuff in life? i know it only drags you further down into hate. i'd rather blank emptiness than hate... hate destroys... where as emptiness.. well it just needs to be filled.

despite my past self hate, i finally found someone who i love.. funny thing is that they actually love me in return. our love is not based on what the other has done, its simply because we love one another. its... nice...

heh... the way i brighten up when i think of them... its like im actually alive... they make me smile with a simple thought, one word, one message... like now! i have feeling, emotions, my face has a bit of expression to it again! but it was short lived... its bed time for them because they need sleep... it is their birthday today... i am literally a thousand miles away... 1,074 miles... ....

this is so stupid... writing down my thoughts.. my life... i dont care about it, about the message going across... what good would it do anyone to read this anyways? everyone but them~ these days is so blind and has their head in a place where the sun does not shine... its just a cry for attention to everyone else... that what everything is. its no longer the boy who cried wolf, its the story of the boy who cried wolf passed down through generations breeding mistrust and disbelief...

screw it