J? Does This Make Sense?

let me tell you a story
of the regrets i never made
the tales that are so gory
before these blood stains fade

Of the regrets i never made
it was his fault i fell
before these blood stains fade
wake from a dream by the bell

it was his fault i fell
sweetest thoughts poison to me
wake from a dream by the bell
open my eyes to the world around me

sweetest thoughts poison to me
smallest words can mean a great deal
open my eyes to the world around me
cut me open so i can feel

smalles words can mean a great deal
can you whisper in my ear?
cut me open so i can feel
help me understand what i fear.


EJ

ps - this is raw, unedited, just some overflow I don't know from where

Bones

as you drag these skeletons out
each one for me to see
i cannot deny their existance

i watch as you drag them out
of a hiding place so dark and deep
covered in thick cobwebs within

but as each is dragged out
the cobwebs fall and the dust slips away
every bone is of the purest white

as you drag them out
you explain the rotting skin that remains
and all the fractures and breaks

but as you explain it all away
all i can say is what i see
a perfect skeleton of white bones

EJ

PS I wrote it for him

It's also for everyone.

EJ

Him.

Do you really mean what you say
You tell me what you want
Let me know you're for real beacuse my heart cant take a break
And i wonder if it will break all of a sudden, unexpectely
Never has anthing felt this strangely wonderful

EJ

~

perhaps this is the first time i have been around you while you were so direct.
its nice, words are flowing through into my reality now that they have less sugar coating. not that i could not understand before, but not i sense a bit more trust... i cant remind you enough that you didn't do anything wrong, but for some reason my words never quite communicate that. is this what you want? our past is not of what we spoke it would be... but is that alright? my heart is funny... it still holds care for you, your life, your well being... it always has, but not like before... bouncing around thoughts of the past never get me anywhere though.. what cant be? you are free here... in this place i created for one to run away and shared with only one other... you are free...

Is this...

a bitter
poison apple
with a brittle
candy coating
bright red
to contrast the dark
and only the bravest
take a bite
and know how
too describe
the taste
and the apple
beneath the clear rouge
has flesh of black
so the light
reflects off it
blindingly bright

as we indulge in this apple, I hope you're doin alright. Yes, I realize I'm shouting at you from across this fairground as
these rides we're each on spin violently out of our control. I sometimes wonder if these particular rides will end
and we'll be able to meet in the middle of the fairground again, or that maybe you'd be willing to join her on our end
of the grounds. She and I, we might not be on the same ride, but I keep my eye on her. I wish you'd smile more on that
ride, though I can imagine you want off. Strange, I'm getting dizzy talking about it this way.

I'm out of shape, but the cyclone of thoughts is still stuck in my head. I'll get this right again
sometime
when I need to
She wont know unless you say so
I promise
I keep secrets.
Dont cry wolf, that boy got three tries, this villager only listens to one, and thats the reality of it.

I miss you
and our talks

I should mention I almost have a him.but thats on the dl.

wow. i'm talking in too many literal terms. OK

TO BED (Before spelling and grammar and punctuation and all writing rules fly completely out of my screned window)

... No, it cant be.

EJ

as the cog clicks

here i am...
i find myself returning.
returning to a place of darkness
a place of hate,
lies,
pain,
truth...
here i am on there simple whim because it was brought up in conversation. 'It CANT be that bad now can it? Come on... just a quick peek... maybe a post?'
my mind muttering to itself...
that's all i do...
mutter to myself...
for nearly four months now i have been away from home, friends, family, the things i love and the things i know.
every day is another day i believe the zombie apocalypse to be true..
i wake up, i see no one, i work, i talk to no one, its break, its lunch... i sit alone and don't speak a word...
some the days end i return home like i do every day and lay on my bed that is on my floor; is it really my bed though? the guy i rent from is so much of a control freak that i wouldn't doubt that he believes he can control me... i don't really care anymore though...
i rarely eat anymore.. i am down to a small cup or two of instant noodles a day with a few cans of juice or pop...
a zombie...
walking,
seeing,
doing,
without a person behind these eyes its hard to believe i exist anymore...

maybe i don't really exist...

today was one of the worse days... i had no expression on my face but a blank wide stare like everything was meaningless and death was already apparent... my boss, foreman, co-workers all tried talking to me a bit... words stopped coming out.. words turned into gestures, gestures turned into shrugs... they eventually just walked away without saying a thing... i couldn't have cared less...

i stopped seeing this all as pain though. to me, its just... well, i don't know... i just don't care about it really. people get angry with me for not caring... i don't really care though... why care about the negative stuff in life? i know it only drags you further down into hate. i'd rather blank emptiness than hate... hate destroys... where as emptiness.. well it just needs to be filled.

despite my past self hate, i finally found someone who i love.. funny thing is that they actually love me in return. our love is not based on what the other has done, its simply because we love one another. its... nice...

heh... the way i brighten up when i think of them... its like im actually alive... they make me smile with a simple thought, one word, one message... like now! i have feeling, emotions, my face has a bit of expression to it again! but it was short lived... its bed time for them because they need sleep... it is their birthday today... i am literally a thousand miles away... 1,074 miles... ....

this is so stupid... writing down my thoughts.. my life... i dont care about it, about the message going across... what good would it do anyone to read this anyways? everyone but them~ these days is so blind and has their head in a place where the sun does not shine... its just a cry for attention to everyone else... that what everything is. its no longer the boy who cried wolf, its the story of the boy who cried wolf passed down through generations breeding mistrust and disbelief...

screw it