sunday to monday, night to morning.

not shortly after that my eyes become soiled with the light pollution of the city. "Im back", i say as i walk into a dead house. silence echos like sweet vibrations of music in my ears. my body resumes its normal dead course in life. "welcome back, im glad your home." it almost sounds like she would care, if only it had come when i first walked in... its not like im worth taking time away from her second life online... or first life it would seem. i ask if i can use the car to shop for food. "your not insured"... i walk away and only imagine saying that she would have let me if she were drunk... im amazed she isnt drunk though... maybe she changed when i was away? maybe she will start to care? hah! no wonder i never eat! Lies are one thing that sustain me; all i have ever known in fact. there is one truth... God... he knows my thoughts...

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Saturday night

Maybe running away was not such a bad idea? i know that im visiting a friend in a different city and all... but maybe i will get hit by a car tonight! that would be swell. send me flying into the snow bank. maybe i could cash in on some well earned pain then! HAH! get it? its only a half kilometer left to her house anyways. and a police officer is coming to get us to see a movie with his kids. all i would have to do is crawl back to the street and lay there. or i could try to make it to the house. maybe it would be a light enough impact to only break one leg; that way i could limp back and pretend i was perfectly fine! it would not be long before my friend pounced on me though... then she would freak out. oh well, whatever happens will happen. wow, there it is, my favorite constellation... the seven sisters... its so small, so many different pieces, barely noticeable in the city with all the lights... just like me... so dull in that city... but bright out here! it makes me want to die here. by a car perhaps? |*chuckles*| i dont want to die though. not even get injured. more lies flood in like the food i should be eating but dont. maybe i can find something alive...

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Monday morning 1:30 am

how many lies must i tell myself before i can believe myself telling the truth... i could possibly be a replacement doll to be used in times of withdrawal, but on the other hand i could be genuine. you cry over me, you want to take me away from this deathbed, you tell me to come back... i know you feel like im broken, but there is one thing you overlooked... im not broken, just missing a few pieces. sure, maybe im selfish and want something i should not have at this point in time, but hey, isnt it expected from someone who has lacked the PROPER love of a family and friends? isnt it expected for me to want to be there to love and be loved? i have told many, but it yields before it sinks in. you cant replace my family and the only thing that will fill that gap in my life is God, and a wife and children.

you were right to say that love is a gamble. i know it is, remember? i lay not heartbroken but heart-missing. "i dont know if it is right, i dont know if it is time, but what i do know is that it feels right, and just for tonight let me gamble once more, all in." i said it a week ago, not that anyone would know, but i did. i dare people to trample me because im testing people to see who i can trust... simple words, simple requests, simple feelings towards me. i look at them always, asking if it is something i could live with for the rest of my life. im looking for the bibles definition of love... something that does not change, but accepts. self sacrificing yet self sustaining and always growing anew. now ask yourself; do you want to accept me, or do you want to change me...