a little contrast.

I remember most of the things that happened. the smiles she wore, the tears she cried, the times she abandoned me. my mother did her best despite the odds. i am happy with how i turned out, and so is she. recently i remember a time i swore at her in the car on the ride home, i then opened the door as it was moving and got out. she got out, yelled at me, closed the door and drove off. left me alone in the ghetto of our city, far from home. i was only 10, but i knew where i was, i visited my aunt who was close by, called my mother and she refused to get me. i was told to find my way home if i still wanted to live there. age 10... for about years of my life at that point, i was heavily medicated for ADHD and anger issues. they were only natural.. i was young and liked to play, was full of energy (ADHD) and my "home" was broken. step father always yelling and fighting, always angry at us, kicking down my bedroom door when i locked it to be alone and cry. (my anger management issues). my 11th was the most traumatic year of my life, im still amazed i came out of this year with sanity. my mother threatened to leave home, packed everything up despite my tears, asking her to stay and not to leave me. also, there was that experience... i had to deal with the courts and police for 2 years after that. by age 12 i was told to be independent. i made my own food, i found my way to school each day alone, and my way back. once home i stayed in my room, or went out into the local parks to explore alone. i was a fairly normal young boy... i made stick swords, eventually started wood working and made my first wooden sword using a wood shaver and some scrap wood from the house renovations. most of my creations didnt last more than a few months before i had forgotten them outside and they were broken and thrown into the bon fire by my parents. by age 13 i had started smoking, and lightly doing drugs. by age 14 i carried a knife with me at all times, had pot growing in my room, my sister went missing for over a year, and the police were at my house at least 3 times a week because my parents would drink and fight with me. i ended up calling the police, and by age 15 i had my own job working for a man from the church. i installed phones and security systems and was also welding. i made up every projector cage that our local college and university now use, from flat bar to cutting, bending, welding and painting. i made the choice to quit drugs, drinking and smoking as well as utilize my right to refuse prescription medication. i was looking at being kicked out and had to drop out of school. i had also locked my mother out of the house and told her to go to her mothers down the street because she smashed all the dishs against the wall when i politely asked her to be a little more quite so i could sleep for work. by age 16, i studied from my home, found anything online that interested me and i learned about it. my sister returned home after being raped and impregnated, i contemplated killing the guy responsible but found it was not worth ruining my life over. i had a gun at this point which i later got rid of. i was looking into more work at this point as well. despite trying to get my education, i couldnt cope with the slack education system and the "adult education centers" that were full of drug dealers and drunk wastes of life. the teachers didnt care, so why should i? at age 17, i had been through 2 jobs, gotten my 2nd degree drivers license, and was driving my mothers car which i frequently borrowed. i also started doing serious work with electronics and became a devoted techy and philosopher. for my 18th birthday, i left my home, left my city, left my province to work professionally in manitoba at a furnace manufacturing plant. at age 18 things were going well, i had a stable job, my own car and home i was renting with a friend. after only two months i had accelerated through my career and received two promotions, starting in wash bay, after two months i became a welder, and after two weeks, i was promoted to a CNC operator machinist and also design editor in SolidWorks and OmniCAD so i could alter designs to the parts i cut out if needed. i had a girlfriend back in ontario, i drove 4000 kilometers to see her every few months. her parents hated me though.. i was later threatened by my friend who had real anger management issues for something i didnt do. i was then framed by him at my job, accused of being a drug addict who was found passed out in a farmers field with my car and doughnuts around me, all of which was a lie and impossible let alone impractical as i loved my car and had been straight edge for 3 years. i was forced into leaving with later death threats by my friend who i only assumed to be jealous of my promotions. had $250 in my pocket, no debt and a full tank of gas... so i went back to ontario. i rented a room from my friend in his new house, took up a job at a local grocery store after two months of welfare and job searching. i drove my car illegally because i couldnt pay for insurance let alone much gas, as the job i had was part time and didnt pay nearly enough to live on. i was facing starvation and homelessness. it was not uncommon for me to go 5 days to a week without eating more than a package of instant noodles, or a piece of bread. every bit of food was a treasure to me. from moving back to ontario and losing my job, i used my two credit cards for buying food and gas. i soon found myself with debt. by age 19 i had taken up my old job installing phones and security systems. got my car back on the road legally and things leveled out due to my new budgeting plans. everything i earned first went into rent, then bills, then food. things leveled out now. i still have my job, family is important to me even though i never see my family, im also looking at moving back out west for another job. i have already called up my old job and offered a formal apology for what happened despite my lack of choices, they wouldnt give me my old washbay job back either. things are not really looking up per-say... but they are better. i eat a little more, work out a little bit and still have my car running well. money is tight but the true values in life i find are hidden in love... something i still have yet to attain. i am single and looking, thought not many young women my age take a second look at me. i am told im very attractive and asked if im a model or an actor at times, i think though my values for love are too high and scare women away. marriage is my main goal, i wont date anyone unless i can at least see myself in a situation where i would consider marriage with them. i dont want to sleep around either. casual sex is meaningless. beggars cant be choosers though, right? i have a practical bachelors pad dream house that i want to build once i come across another stable job. a place i can call my home for a short few years and start dating. when it comes to marriage, i think the wife will tell me that the house will have to go though... (lol) im well versed in local political matters as well as economic matters. i find those to be important for a growing man to know, especially one who is looking to raise a family someday. i still fix every kind of electronic device i can get my hands on, and am competent in doing so. i can weld, i can drive forklift, i can operate a CNC plasma and break as well as other machinist tools. i find psychology, sociology and philosophy interesting. im active, can fix and maintain cars, i am a decent cook and can make a variety of foods to suit the occasion. i also clean! i tend to be a hygienic person. i like to make light of every situation and so my best at everything i can. anger is not my forte, im very quick to brush something off and move on if need be. i can be a very playful person which often shadows my very serious nature. where i will go from here, i dont know. but there is only one way i aim to go, and that is up.

Just like the past, i slowly remember that humans need to eat... it has been 4 days and the thought or feeling never passed by...

empty hallways

2 am, rockets fly as they kiss them goodbye. Blood slowly rushing through tender veins, a simple wish turned to spiteful rage, "another cigaret down, another pack to go" body rejecting the abuse, complete withdrawal of the pain sinks in. just like using fire to smoke out an enemy, these weapons of torture are making the evil subside. only in this state of self abuse memories of who i am flood into the burnt remains of my mind "Everyone's pointing their fingers Always condemning me And nobody knows what I believe." even the people you let into your heart the closest doubt you now... light another, smoke another, forget the puke stained floor, forget the cold embrace that surrounds you, smoke it out, fight fire with fire repay evil with evil

my "dearest friend"

Fuck, you think i want to walk away from you? you force me into this corner and leave me with few options. so here is what i will do, for these next few days, im going to get stoned as fuck, drunk as fuck, cut up as fuck, and have sex as fuck with whoever because i dont give a fuck right now. i want to, i honestly want to care and do my best. but you have successfully shot down every one of my most earnest efforts. i know im not perfect, and i know we had troubles in the past, but when will you stop saying i judge you and that i dont listen, and stop judging me, and start listening.

The deeper I go, the more I find

Heart racing from the drugs, my mind still stuck on that dark question. "Where did I break? How did it get this far?" Standing tall and firm daily without trouble or doubt, yet carving messages out in my arms with my fathers hunting knife. "I dont need this, its not who I really am" Tasting the bittersweet buds of life, enjoying the fragrance of blood as it seeps from my wounds. "Its the last time, I swear its the last time." Holding the knife to my throat, pressing it harder into my arms. "Desperation... Confusion... Uncertainty perhaps? How can I rid myself of this feeling I did not foresee?" One more hit, one more mark, that's all it will take.

- Do you think like all the rest?

"Only five left..." I think to myself at I start to boil water for instant noodles. Thoughts of the few friends I still have circle my head. "They are all probably enjoying the day with their family, eating home cooked meals and smiling. I wonder what my family is doing... Probably each getting drunk and eating nice meals as well." I get lost in thought standing in front of my warm stove as the water comes to a boil. I reach into the small cupboard in the corner where I keep all of my food and pull out a package of noodles. As I lower the heat and put the noodles into the pot, somehow something possessed me that today was special. I grab another package and cook it as well. "Tomorrow and the day after..." I whisper this to myself as a reminder that those are the days I will not be able to eat. Separating my money for the month, counting out $20 for food and the rest for bills... oh right, the bills... how could I have forgot? I change my money distribution, $5 for food this month, the rest is for bills... I lay back on my bed thinking about how I nearly passed out at work the day before, how my supervisor got angry at me for walking slowly. As I lay my head on my air mattress one thing populates my mind, "I cant stop fighting until it kills me... its killing me..." I pass out...

Isn't it wonderful?

Sickness seems to have caught up with me... All my years of health were preparation for this? I cant remember the last meal I ate.. Has it been days? weeks? I can't tell... Did I lose common sense in my struggle to fix things? Or maybe this is part of the cost to atone. It is said that whatever force you apply to the Earth, it will generate and apply an equal force against that. So who will win in a struggle that neither parties will back down from? Me, or the Earth...