It Happened Again - From Ella

Some turn to drugs or alcohol or sex for "that" feeling. Me?

I turn to boys.

Not for sex. Not for perks. Not even to just be able to say "I have a boyfriend." No. I need to have someone there for me, someone telling me they love me, that I'm beautiful. Someone who will show me off and be proud of me. I just need that.

And here is the problem:

I base my identity off that. And one month to the date, the hour even, I ended another relationship.

Just.
Like.
That.

Amount of time single before relationship: 1 month
Amount of time in relationship: 1 month
Length of time since last relationship: 2 months.

There are so many pieces of me that I am just dust blowing around.

~Ella~

Shreds

I am surrounded by scraps of blank paper

None of them whole

None belonging to a binding

Scattered like leaves on the floor

I hold a pencil in my hand

It is a nub in my numb fingers

I shake to write 

This paper is so precious

It is all I have left to communicate

A million thoughts fly around in my head

They all stop when I try to express them

Precious paper

Precious pencil

I begin writing

Dear

My Dear

To my Dear

To my Dearest

Friend

My Friend

To my Friend

Nothing is right.

I am trying to reply to a thank you note

I don't know what gift I gave

Or If I even gave one.

Leaded lids lower over my eyes

Distance and silence mock me

I am awake because I am curious

I care.

Thank you for what?

It's like my mind knows where to look, I always see a message in white on black, just after it is painted after not speaking to the artist for too long a time. 

i check my pulse,
there is not a 2 stroke beat
my heart throbs violently like a sluggish diesel engine.

soothing, comforting, relieving....
so  many days i have been without sleep
somehow this drug is keeping me a float

both my car and my bedside are lined with sweets,
a tangled mess like im trying to comfort myself with such release

somehow i feel alright
like this  is much less pain
than is it delight

I check my pulse,
a gentle rhythm forms again
im reminded of how i am human...


finally i can sleep again...thank you...