Charged Like A Battery.

First thing's first: J!!! MESSAGE ME AS SOON AS YOU GET THIS! I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T LEAVING YET OR MAYBE I AM JUST CONFUSED!!!

OK, now that that is done I need to get at my venting because I have a lot to just pour out. This is the best way I know how.

Breathe.

In.

Out.

Sometimes I forget I am wearing makeup until I cry. My tears today were of sweet release and realization that everything is in God's hands and I am His. The past week, though we're only halfway through has been less like a roller coaster with all of its twists and turns and more like the Sky Screamer... It will blast you up and blast you down. I feel manic.

When I'm out - in class, with friends or just being social - I'm a ball of energy feeding off the bodies around me to the point when it is no longer a buzz within my chest but a bounce in my feet or a twitch of my arm. It has to come out, it has to! I'm charging, charging chargingcharging chargingchargingcharging!!!!

I'm alone.

When I'm in - at home, in my bedroom away from the outside - I have that same energy. Only the ball of fuzzy feelings that rose up in my chest when i was out is pressing outwards like a bottle of pop which hasn't been opened but has still had the hell shaken out of it. It has nowhere to go though, no way of exploding so that energy implodes and it implodes on me. It then becomes a mass that drops from my chest into my stomach, pulling my thoughts down with it.

Tears well up. Tears I haven't cried since that night when everything ended.

So now the ball has been reduced to tears and I need to recharge again. Except for this time it is different. A calm has settled over me like the way pop bubbles disappear after a while, slowly tickling your nose as you drink it freshly poured...

It's different because I am reminded of something. I am reminded of the girl I used to be 6 years ago when nothing mattered. When I was so on fire for God and I didn't give two shakes about who looked at me crossways for it. And here I am again, reminded I am still his and I always have been. The fire is being stoked again. It never really went out, it wasn't even reduced to a hot ember, I know it stayed a flame but now I want to be an inferno!

That ball of energy isn't the same. Yes it needs to be charged by people but that is only going to get it so far. In order for it to be a full, green blinking battery it needs to reach out to the Source.

Tomorrow will be a night of worship and fellowship. I expect a full battery and then some.. an overflowing cup of fizzing pop! Yes, tomorrow will be good. So very good.

That was much too literal but I needed a vent. Miss you, J.

~Ella.

Dip and dive, swerve and slam the breaks. another silly driver, another close call. thinking about the move is odd. i dont want to imagine it, the drive, the first few days, staying in a motel till i arrive. thinking of driving through dakota again, where i almost died the first time. maybe another driver will strike me off the road.. maybe this time i will die.. bringing a harmonious end to a life so short yet long experienced. i cat say i want to die, yet i wouldnt be opposed if thats how i went. the fear of a vehicle breaking down, being stranded in the middle of nowhere. Saskatchewan does that to you~ lol whats the worst that could happen? a tragic accident that leaves me broken? death? possibly the worst case could be that i live and make it there lol PLANS: Law enforcement. just do it Matt.

Ella J's Story

If you have ever met this girl, you would know she is a totally free spirit. She has so many bright ideas, always wants to have fun and has a good heart. She loves God with all of that good heart, but she of course is not perfect. Unfortunately, as bright and as free and as fun as this girl is, she struggles with her identity. She knows for a fact she has a solid identity in Christ, and this, her fifth breakup, is teaching her she needs to realign with that identity. But she, like myself, has a story to tell. Don't worry, her's is no where near as dramatic, heart wrenching, tear jerking and "oh, I just want to give you a hug!" as mine. But she is human and so she has a story.

Here it is: When she was only 14, she met the first young man she ever dated. They met at camp. His went by the name "Buck." Buck and Ella met on a Tuesday, hung out on the Wednesday and agreed to go to the Friday banquet together on the Thursday. They then continued to talk on MSN, webcam was just the coolest thing since they could still see each other's face. She felt for the first time what love was, as he daily told her how much he admired her. They met in July. In September, he broke up with her at that same camp when they were together in real life for only the second time. Not to worry, they got back together after chatting online in January of the following year. They met for the third time in real life for her first date (a triple date since Ella was not allowed to be dating on her own, not until she was 16). That third meeting was in early February. Shortly after that, Ella ended it with him, the feeling was no longer there for her.

Amount of time dating: 3 months (total, roughly)
Amount of time single, following breakup: 6 months (Feb-Aug)
Status: Friends

Now 15, Ella met her second boyfriend. He, like Buck, was two years older than her and also lived far away. He was her first kiss, in the moonlight, after a county fair. That kiss was perfection. They had been friends before their relationship started, and they had a relationship that was solidly built on this friendship. But, it would not last. His frequent partying (unbeknownst to Ella) and general lack of the romance she was searching for (he never once told her he loved her) cause her to end things after 6 months of dating, again, in February.
Amount of time dating: 6 months
Amount of time single, following breakup: 1 month (Feb-Mar)
Status: Friends

Now Ella couldn't get enough. She crushed pretty hard on a couple of guys in that short amount of time but later found herself in the arms of another boy. He too was 2 years older than Ella, closer really to 2.5 years. Although this relationship started very well, it turned into something very ugly. He got to the point of what could be called mentally abusive. He had her so trapped she became a hollow shell of her former self. I met her in the midst of this relationship. She hid it well enough but entrusted me with all the details. One night, she meant to send me a song that she wished someone, someday, would sing to her. It went to him instead. Unable to lie about its intended recipient, he boyfriend at the time flew into a rage that she should tell this to anyone else, especially a guy. He questioned her about me and forbade her from ever talking to me, so she was silent for a time. They broke up twice. The first time for only 20 days, was right before their one year anniversary. Determined that she wasn't going to go back to him, she decided that she was on rebound and, feeling the total absence of anyone to love her, found a way to satisfy a bit of physical cravings and ended up making out with her good friend at school, and within the same week kissed her best guy friend, which made it awkward for her to talk to him. Her boyfriend during this time found a way to get her back and they dated again until, one morning, she literally woke up and decided enough was enough. Breaking up with him was hell for her. She lost too much weight and walked the boarders of depression and anorexia, dangerously close to falling into either one of them. She started speaking to me again and she told me I did wonders to help her work through all her demons. She tells me she will never forget me for it, and so far, she hasn't. 

Amount of time dating: 1 year, 9 months (minus a 20 day break)
Amount of time single, following breakup: 4 months (Dec-April)
Status: On speaking terms, far from friends

I should insert here how much of a rebound this poor, broken hearted, broken spirited girl went on. After her breakup, she kissed or made out with 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 guys over the full course of those 4 months. She is NOT proud of that in the least. She just needed some affirmation of her beauty, her ability to "catch" a guy and confidence.

She did move on however at met a new guy. He was only one year older than she and they met at a school event. He was from another town. They met and started dating within one week. He was phenomenal and they had a wonderful time. They saw eye to eye on so many things. Except for two: 1) he wasn't a Christian 2) he wanted something casual, she wanted something serious. So, they ended it mutually. Nothing wrong there. In fact, she tells me she still misses him.

Amount of time dating: 3 months.
Amount of time single, following breakup: 3 months (July-Sept)
Status: Friends

After this particular breakup, she managed to go on a rebound again. this time she kissed or made out with 2 guys. Then she met the most recent ex. She met him and fell hard for him. They were perfect together and many people saw them getting married. In fact they saw themselves getting married and bought each other promise rings. It ended. She's still much too raw to talk about it. Amount of time dating: 1 year, 4 months Amount of time single, following breakup: 1 week, 3 days. Status: She's keeping her distance. In this short amount of time, she managed one more rebound. Thankfully, said rebound is respectful enough to see it for what is was and back off a bit. He likes her for sure.

Total Time Dating: 4 years, 1 month (If my math is correct)
Total Time Single: 1 year, 2 months, 1 week, 3 days and counting. (my math is probably really wrong but that's ok, the dates are rough)
Total Time Passed since started dating: 6 years (In July, so right now about 5 years, 2 months)

For the past 6 years, Ella has been molding herself to a man's whims, desires, ideals, approval... and doesn't know herself anymore.

She is broken. We all end up broken at some point or another.

a little contrast.

I remember most of the things that happened. the smiles she wore, the tears she cried, the times she abandoned me. my mother did her best despite the odds. i am happy with how i turned out, and so is she. recently i remember a time i swore at her in the car on the ride home, i then opened the door as it was moving and got out. she got out, yelled at me, closed the door and drove off. left me alone in the ghetto of our city, far from home. i was only 10, but i knew where i was, i visited my aunt who was close by, called my mother and she refused to get me. i was told to find my way home if i still wanted to live there. age 10... for about years of my life at that point, i was heavily medicated for ADHD and anger issues. they were only natural.. i was young and liked to play, was full of energy (ADHD) and my "home" was broken. step father always yelling and fighting, always angry at us, kicking down my bedroom door when i locked it to be alone and cry. (my anger management issues). my 11th was the most traumatic year of my life, im still amazed i came out of this year with sanity. my mother threatened to leave home, packed everything up despite my tears, asking her to stay and not to leave me. also, there was that experience... i had to deal with the courts and police for 2 years after that. by age 12 i was told to be independent. i made my own food, i found my way to school each day alone, and my way back. once home i stayed in my room, or went out into the local parks to explore alone. i was a fairly normal young boy... i made stick swords, eventually started wood working and made my first wooden sword using a wood shaver and some scrap wood from the house renovations. most of my creations didnt last more than a few months before i had forgotten them outside and they were broken and thrown into the bon fire by my parents. by age 13 i had started smoking, and lightly doing drugs. by age 14 i carried a knife with me at all times, had pot growing in my room, my sister went missing for over a year, and the police were at my house at least 3 times a week because my parents would drink and fight with me. i ended up calling the police, and by age 15 i had my own job working for a man from the church. i installed phones and security systems and was also welding. i made up every projector cage that our local college and university now use, from flat bar to cutting, bending, welding and painting. i made the choice to quit drugs, drinking and smoking as well as utilize my right to refuse prescription medication. i was looking at being kicked out and had to drop out of school. i had also locked my mother out of the house and told her to go to her mothers down the street because she smashed all the dishs against the wall when i politely asked her to be a little more quite so i could sleep for work. by age 16, i studied from my home, found anything online that interested me and i learned about it. my sister returned home after being raped and impregnated, i contemplated killing the guy responsible but found it was not worth ruining my life over. i had a gun at this point which i later got rid of. i was looking into more work at this point as well. despite trying to get my education, i couldnt cope with the slack education system and the "adult education centers" that were full of drug dealers and drunk wastes of life. the teachers didnt care, so why should i? at age 17, i had been through 2 jobs, gotten my 2nd degree drivers license, and was driving my mothers car which i frequently borrowed. i also started doing serious work with electronics and became a devoted techy and philosopher. for my 18th birthday, i left my home, left my city, left my province to work professionally in manitoba at a furnace manufacturing plant. at age 18 things were going well, i had a stable job, my own car and home i was renting with a friend. after only two months i had accelerated through my career and received two promotions, starting in wash bay, after two months i became a welder, and after two weeks, i was promoted to a CNC operator machinist and also design editor in SolidWorks and OmniCAD so i could alter designs to the parts i cut out if needed. i had a girlfriend back in ontario, i drove 4000 kilometers to see her every few months. her parents hated me though.. i was later threatened by my friend who had real anger management issues for something i didnt do. i was then framed by him at my job, accused of being a drug addict who was found passed out in a farmers field with my car and doughnuts around me, all of which was a lie and impossible let alone impractical as i loved my car and had been straight edge for 3 years. i was forced into leaving with later death threats by my friend who i only assumed to be jealous of my promotions. had $250 in my pocket, no debt and a full tank of gas... so i went back to ontario. i rented a room from my friend in his new house, took up a job at a local grocery store after two months of welfare and job searching. i drove my car illegally because i couldnt pay for insurance let alone much gas, as the job i had was part time and didnt pay nearly enough to live on. i was facing starvation and homelessness. it was not uncommon for me to go 5 days to a week without eating more than a package of instant noodles, or a piece of bread. every bit of food was a treasure to me. from moving back to ontario and losing my job, i used my two credit cards for buying food and gas. i soon found myself with debt. by age 19 i had taken up my old job installing phones and security systems. got my car back on the road legally and things leveled out due to my new budgeting plans. everything i earned first went into rent, then bills, then food. things leveled out now. i still have my job, family is important to me even though i never see my family, im also looking at moving back out west for another job. i have already called up my old job and offered a formal apology for what happened despite my lack of choices, they wouldnt give me my old washbay job back either. things are not really looking up per-say... but they are better. i eat a little more, work out a little bit and still have my car running well. money is tight but the true values in life i find are hidden in love... something i still have yet to attain. i am single and looking, thought not many young women my age take a second look at me. i am told im very attractive and asked if im a model or an actor at times, i think though my values for love are too high and scare women away. marriage is my main goal, i wont date anyone unless i can at least see myself in a situation where i would consider marriage with them. i dont want to sleep around either. casual sex is meaningless. beggars cant be choosers though, right? i have a practical bachelors pad dream house that i want to build once i come across another stable job. a place i can call my home for a short few years and start dating. when it comes to marriage, i think the wife will tell me that the house will have to go though... (lol) im well versed in local political matters as well as economic matters. i find those to be important for a growing man to know, especially one who is looking to raise a family someday. i still fix every kind of electronic device i can get my hands on, and am competent in doing so. i can weld, i can drive forklift, i can operate a CNC plasma and break as well as other machinist tools. i find psychology, sociology and philosophy interesting. im active, can fix and maintain cars, i am a decent cook and can make a variety of foods to suit the occasion. i also clean! i tend to be a hygienic person. i like to make light of every situation and so my best at everything i can. anger is not my forte, im very quick to brush something off and move on if need be. i can be a very playful person which often shadows my very serious nature. where i will go from here, i dont know. but there is only one way i aim to go, and that is up.