sunday to monday, night to morning.

not shortly after that my eyes become soiled with the light pollution of the city. "Im back", i say as i walk into a dead house. silence echos like sweet vibrations of music in my ears. my body resumes its normal dead course in life. "welcome back, im glad your home." it almost sounds like she would care, if only it had come when i first walked in... its not like im worth taking time away from her second life online... or first life it would seem. i ask if i can use the car to shop for food. "your not insured"... i walk away and only imagine saying that she would have let me if she were drunk... im amazed she isnt drunk though... maybe she changed when i was away? maybe she will start to care? hah! no wonder i never eat! Lies are one thing that sustain me; all i have ever known in fact. there is one truth... God... he knows my thoughts...

--------------------
Saturday night

Maybe running away was not such a bad idea? i know that im visiting a friend in a different city and all... but maybe i will get hit by a car tonight! that would be swell. send me flying into the snow bank. maybe i could cash in on some well earned pain then! HAH! get it? its only a half kilometer left to her house anyways. and a police officer is coming to get us to see a movie with his kids. all i would have to do is crawl back to the street and lay there. or i could try to make it to the house. maybe it would be a light enough impact to only break one leg; that way i could limp back and pretend i was perfectly fine! it would not be long before my friend pounced on me though... then she would freak out. oh well, whatever happens will happen. wow, there it is, my favorite constellation... the seven sisters... its so small, so many different pieces, barely noticeable in the city with all the lights... just like me... so dull in that city... but bright out here! it makes me want to die here. by a car perhaps? |*chuckles*| i dont want to die though. not even get injured. more lies flood in like the food i should be eating but dont. maybe i can find something alive...

--------------------

Monday morning 1:30 am

how many lies must i tell myself before i can believe myself telling the truth... i could possibly be a replacement doll to be used in times of withdrawal, but on the other hand i could be genuine. you cry over me, you want to take me away from this deathbed, you tell me to come back... i know you feel like im broken, but there is one thing you overlooked... im not broken, just missing a few pieces. sure, maybe im selfish and want something i should not have at this point in time, but hey, isnt it expected from someone who has lacked the PROPER love of a family and friends? isnt it expected for me to want to be there to love and be loved? i have told many, but it yields before it sinks in. you cant replace my family and the only thing that will fill that gap in my life is God, and a wife and children.

you were right to say that love is a gamble. i know it is, remember? i lay not heartbroken but heart-missing. "i dont know if it is right, i dont know if it is time, but what i do know is that it feels right, and just for tonight let me gamble once more, all in." i said it a week ago, not that anyone would know, but i did. i dare people to trample me because im testing people to see who i can trust... simple words, simple requests, simple feelings towards me. i look at them always, asking if it is something i could live with for the rest of my life. im looking for the bibles definition of love... something that does not change, but accepts. self sacrificing yet self sustaining and always growing anew. now ask yourself; do you want to accept me, or do you want to change me...

Tick

Hands hold me
I cannot break free
forced to endure
their merciless torture
holding me out of reach
of what i want

pleads fall on deaf ears
tears cry to unseeing eyes

emotionless and cruel
giving more when
less is desired
and less when
more is begged for

I hate being a prisoner
to a life sentence
of moments passing by
so many
uncaptured.

A late night... A silent cry...

put down that bottle,
i swear to you,
the answers not there

cause the only answer you're gonna get
is that you're just screwed
and you're just gonna keep on searching
for something better

and the answer isn't there
wrapped up in that paper
just put it down

these pleasures you get
these hights you fly wont help you find
the meaning to life
so you crash and burn and just keep on lookin

i know an answer not just in a book
but written in the hearts of many
its a secret kept only too well
that is worth the find

and is worth the tell

The Section: Scribbles from a Notpad

"it Happened again... If my memory serves me right, it has been two months since the Last dream, or since she pushed me away. my memory of the dream is blotchy, but i will do my best. my iPod seems to know how I feel as I ride the bus to school...


It seems that we were hanging out. it was a place that I am unfamiliar with. perhaps it was her town. there were many hills and rocky areas. we were with others, or there were others, I know this because we were on a field trip with friends. we went up stairs On a mountain together, alone. the path was narrow and steep. Left, Right, Straight then Right...


we finally made it to what seemed like the top. if facing the mountain, the plateau would have been around 60 feet up. it was also narrow, hugging the cliff face. Right oriented. there was around 3-4 feet of room coming out from the cliff face of path, when facing the cliff on the path, the stairs were to the right and the Left was unknown to me. she somehow put me in a tank of sorts. there was around 3 feet of height and 3 feet of depth, it was the same Length of the plateau,6ish feet. the tank had a small opening at the top, it was a vent of sorts, leading to the outside or something like a hive or nest. the take was made of glass, with a door to the right.


It was Locked. sitting inside, i looked at her, she was standing above me with an expression of hidden blank sadness. Like a deep depression was hiding inside of her. she Just stood there, watching me, and I asked what was going on. she didn't say anything. then. I looked at the vent and saw spiders coming out. at first it was only one. I freaked out and killed it with my fist. then more started coming out, too many to kill. I soon realized that I was trapped within my Own sorrow, fears drowning me. I started to kick at the door trying to break it open, but it would not budge. my mind laps through what i would have done, given I made it out. my plan was to kick open the door and Jump out into an embrace with her, me crying, her shocked.


I continued to kick but the spiders enveloped me. all hope was Lost, so I curled up an let them bite me. thoughts of me getting out and hugging her seemed so real, it Loosened the pain of the spider bites and venom. It seemed like I had started dreaming when I appeared to be back on the bus with her. maybe I had died? we were hanging out again, in a narrow place again. I cant remember where, but there were no spiders and we were both happy, so my location did not matter. all I can remember is picture like images from that moment, like selective memory or photographic memory. her smiling. I remember us then in a school like setting, together. That's all though. The moment I woke, I forgot the dream, While my friend showed up with coffee and a story. Just after he left the memories returned, thus, I write..."

This was hidden in my rarely used notepad. i wrote it out while on the city bus, trying not to forget anything. the details i listed of the location were judged by minds eye. it has been over two months since then and we talked twice in that time... i cant believe she casually responded to that question... baka...

locked in

i know there are days ahead,

where i wont be hungry,
where i wont be cold,
where i wont be sick,
and where i wont be alone.

i feel like its ending,

the events from my past drain,
to stop this last pain,
fly away faster.

do i know for sure, or do i just have child like faith...

these songs we sing
for these tears we bring,
they all mean one thing;
we must give it all.

On a crumpled piece of paper...

These thoughts scream
their silent song
as pen on paper does
then still singing floats along the city breeze
discarded
disregarded
another idea silently
screams along its way
to a deep garbage ground
and the saddest thing was
it was the solution to all of this