A quiet hymn echoes from the past,
This peace and bliss is not eternal but not forgotten.
It seems like the lingering spirit of creation is looming inside of me with a design for the future. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith, even if it means falling on your face. Stand, walk, run, and finish the day. I know how hard it can be to be knocked down, but the mistake made is letting it keep you down.
I find it interesting how the world turns
With each passing day, another new horizon is ignored, and the expired beauty of yesterday diminishes. The contrast of a bright screen in a dark room is enough to keep our minds at ease. its gotten to a point where we can't relate to one another unless behind this screen. Like a net to keep away the bugs, it shields us from the ever looming eye of the present. Things have not changed though. I find my mind sitting back in its seat waiting for the next big moment, and despite the plethora of new sights and sounds, my mind doesn't really seem to care. Its as though it has its eye set on one fixed goal that I don't understand yet.
But I have an idea.
Here I stand. Or should I say sit? Typing away on a screen with one thing hanging from my mouth. Or should I say mind? I have divided my life and wardrobe into two colours, black and pink. Over the course of the years I found myself longing for that embrace, sweet hospitality of false security, purity of motivation. Even after this seemingly distant time span I still see that face, a face I find nearly impossible to forget through time or distance. As the ashes fall one by one, they transform from a burning inferno of comfort and pain to a chilled form of what was once a heart that now lay scattered across multiple provinces. Music and faux reality settle with the now dull embers that burn the hand that came them heat. Questions are no longer few and far between. They haunt my dreams, similar to a nightmare that haunts the weak minded in unforgiving times. I stare at fate and it stares right back. No amount of training or mental wellness could have prepared me for this fight. I stand here as though I am David facing Goliath. If only I hadn't forgotten the hammock for my sling. No tools exist to erase this nightmare I face; That face... Maybe I went wrong, maybe I'm too weak, maybe I was never meant to win this battle. If David ran away, how would the story turn out? Would there be salvation for a coward? It seems that is always the case. People lose faith the moment they see you turn your back. It is not about this battle, its about this war. I am not standing against Goliath, I am standing against his entire nation. I don't see any one else up here but myself, yet I become the coward? How many times have I reached out now? I cannot take away from the system, only attempt to get on board with its flow. Once I am there I will jump higher, high enough to make the stars seem small. I will likely fall, just as I have many times so far. It only becomes more difficult. Until I get knocked down again, its just one cigarette at a time. One friend who doesn't help after another. False promises. I hold up my part, as small as it may be, the potential exists. It just needs some water and light to grow. So far, I'm just drowning. How long till I see the light?
I need to shave.
Not because my youthful beard grows more prickly by the day; I just need to shave.
I want to remove the growth I gain with each tormenting day and shave off the dead skin that the growth seemingly hides.
As if a paid promise to fly in the sky is enough to keep me chained
I remember a day of youth
My mother gave me five dollars
Just enough to buy that game I always wanted
With the money came a promise
"When we get to the store, you can buy that game."
Upon arrival I was struck with shock when I realized I lost that piece of trading paper. I searched and searched but it never turned up. The entire way home I searched and finally once I walked into my house, there it was... In my back pocket. No matter how much I begged over the course of the year, we never returned to buy that game. I wasn't allowed because I missed my opportunity.
I don't care about where we go or what we do. All I know is every moment feels, eh... Slightly off. Its like a your favorite ride at the amusement park gets closed for repairs the day you get there. You can ride every other ride, some fun and some scary, but they are not quite the same ride. You start to miss the feeling you would get as the ride would speed up at that special point to make it just right, and slow down before it became too much to bare. Why else would it be your favorite ride?
Life is an ever changing ride. One you slowly carve out of stone with each day, not knowing where your next corner or dip will be.
I still find comfort in my car. As it grows older and more in need of costly repairs I still drive knowing I'm safe. There is nothing this car can do that would surprise me because I know it too well, and it knows me. It times its breakdowns almost perfectly and works perfectly when such need be. There is a different feel to it though. Like a group of people invaded my car and want a ride every moment. Its not quite the same ride anymore, the weight ratio is slightly off. Although its a very minor change, its a change I feel in every corner and every straight. I don't like it.
Something so minor has thrown off my harmonic balance in life. It presses with expectations and guilt, sometimes forceful pain. It tests who I am without knowing I am still locked up. It lives with ignorance of everything but itself and feeds off strength. Its the world. Or what some call the world. Constantly spinning so fast it might throw you off its surface, but so slow that you still stay perfectly grounded.
I dream of stars. Someday owning them. Its a selfish hatred my heart has held since I was young. That everyone was wrong about me. That not one person has yet to place their finger on me as if to say, 'I have you figured out.'
I tore my face off and made it into a mask. I would rather my face be bare to others. Be seemingly real yet completely fake. Except for two people I know.. Two very important people who will never leave my heart. I'm still here. I just dont know where here is because I'm lost in the stars...
